Will it all seem unimportant later?

     Well, I just read over all my old diary entries, and I realize that all that stuff was so unimportant. I just freaked out over so much weird stuff. Like, all that stuff about Chris having interest in other girls for example. It was SO unfair of me to expect all of those things from him. When I broke up with him, I needed to accept the consequences. It was none of my business what he did from then on. I hurt him, so he had the right to move on. ESPECIALLY with how I was with someone so quickly afterwards. Brad was just a rebound, and I was never happy with him OR Chris. Having a boyfriend was so important to me, that I was willing to settle for second best. I wanted so badly to have that burning passion for someone. I wanted to have that excitement of love that everyone talks about. I wanted to have someone to love me. That’s exactly what I got, but I didn’t love him back the way he wanted me to. I don’t think I even really knew what I wanted other than someone to care about me.

     Well, then I met Steve. He was everything I knew I wanted in a relationship, and he had even more on top of that. He is just an unbelievable person. And the way I feel about it now is that I just don’t want an yone. No one but him. Relationships don’t even seem important to me anymore, although I think of Steve hundreds of times in one day. I know everyone says that "you think that you’ll never feel the same way again, but you will"……I question that, I relaly do. I think that I will love someone again, but I’m going to have the same issues that I do now. The whole time Steve and I were together, I thought he was going to leave me. I NEVER once believed that he owuld ever cheat on me, but I thought that he would lose interest, or like someone else….I dont know, the list just went on and on. Now I think that I may very well have feelings for someone else…but they just aren’t going to be able to come into this world that I live in. No one will be allowed to come in.  I just don’t want anyone to hurt me like that. Like this. I’m in so much pain, I just don’t know what to do with myself.

     It’s weird though, because I’m wondering if I’m going to look back on this and think that it didn’t matter. I’m not sure what to think about that idea right now. It’s all I can possibly think about…and when I read those other entries over, those were all I could think about at the time as well. But it just seems so insignificant, that I was spending so much time on all of that bullshit. And even the issues I had with Mr. Tagaras, I was so upset at the time, why  was it such a big deal? He was a complete moron, and he freaked on his students randomly. I still think to this day that there’s something wrong with his head. But when it comes down to it, did me not handing in that assignment accomplish anything? No, because I ended up having to do what everyone else did, and I had to type it out. Even though I didn’t have a computer, I could have easily figured something out with the school, they would have helped me. He’s still an asshole, but then again, he accepted it after I handed it in a month later. It’s probably the same deal as me not getting a photo ID. Later on, I will look back, and I will think, yes the government is fucked, and it shouldn’t have to be that way, why am I punishing myself when I can fix it so easily? Maybe it’s part of my ODD that I do that.

     I’m still not quite sure how I’m going to do this. I don’t know how to get myself past this pain. I don’t know if how I’m dealing with this is that I’m being too selfish or not. Because although it’s certainly true that I need to concentrate on myself, and learn to love myself, I don’t think I’m being fair to other people. I’m missing appointments with Johnathon without telling him first that I will be there. I went to Toronto and stayed with Melissa without telling my parents that I was coming. I intended to, mind you, but I just didn’t bother, because it didn’t matter to me at the time. Even though I knew full well that it was going to piss my mom off. I didn’t tell the people at the breast clinic that I couldn’t make it to the appointment, even though I knew I wasn’t going to be in Lindsay either way. I made the nurse look bad because she was the one who went out of her way to make the appointment for me, and I just didn’t bother to tell them I couldn’t make it because I just didn’t care enough to do it. I’m such a moron. I could have even just called the college, and left a message with the nurse that I dind’t have the number for the clinic to tell them that I couldn’t make it, but I just dind’t bother.

     I don’t know if these are the stages you have to go through to start caring about yourself. People always say that when you go to a counsellor for stuff like this, that it’s going to get worse before it’s going to get better. And it’s certainly getting worse. I don’t know what’s wrong with  me these days. I want to be able to think more maturely, to know myself better. I don’t know. I don’t know how to make this better. I guess there’s still so many things that I have to sort through. I want the counsellor to help me learn to like myself, but I don’t think he likes himself. He thinks that it takes talents and skills for you to like youself. I told him that I like to play guitar, and he said that that’s something I can like about myself. I said that that’s not something to like aobut myself, That’s a skill.

     I think when I go in to see him tomorrow, I’m going to tell him that if I had a boyfriend, and I liked him because he liked to go fishing, bowling, play guitar, play hockey, and he was a lifeguard, that wouldn’t mean a thing. Because that says absolutely nothing about him. Because there are lots of people that could have all of those interests, and be completely different people. There could be one person that likes all those things, is relaly quiet, shy, and beats his girlfriend. There could be another person that does all of those things, and is extremely loud, outgoing and treats his girlfriend like gold. So if I came up with a list of things about myself and the list was full of things like me playing guitar and crocheting, than I wouldn’t really love myself, then, would I?

     He just doesn’t really get it. I don’t know if that’s making him a good or a bad counsellor. I wonder if counsellors are not as good if they are college counsellors, as opposed to counsellors in a hospital. Maybe a hospital one would be able to help me better. But I guess there’s no amount of schooling really, that wi

ll make a counsellor have good beliefs. All the people that I have met that are going into social work have this thing for gossip. They just talk about other people ALL the time.

     When I talked to Steve’s mom about moving on to someone else, (it was a few weeks ago I had that conversation)I kept telling her how hard it’s going to be to find another person like Steve. She said that I shouldn’t try to find someone that’s similar, I should just go with the feeling. I gave lots of thought about that, and I think that’s why I let the whole Alex thing happen. I thought that maybe I could just try to let a relationship come of it when I was ready. I’m glad I didn’t though, becuase he was the opposite of anything I could need in a guy. And I think I need to be single for a really long time. I’ve gotten used to having someone there to rely on, and I need to learn how to rely on myself. Because I don’t think I really know how.

     Alex is kind of like Chris in a lot of ways. He lies about stuff that doesn’t matter, all he really thinks about is his dick, he doesn’t really seem to know what he wants in his life, and he’s just really immature. The big difference between him and Chris is that you can’t really know what Alex is thinking. No, he’s not for me. I’m glad he’s with Katie. Katie is a really sweet girl. I hope she is happy. I really like her a lot actually. It’s too bad that her and I can’t be friends. That’s ok, it would be so awkward with Alex anyways. Alex is pretty hot…oh, well.

     I can’t believe I’ve been such a whore since Steve and I broke up. Maybe I needed to just mess around with some people to help me through it. I’m really regretting telling him though. I  might have had a chance to have him back if I hadn’t have done it, but maybe renee is right. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference at all. I just don’t know what happened. And I know that if I keep trying to figure out what went wrong, I’m going to go insane. I was certainly starting to until like, two days ago.

     I really want to be able to be independant. I want to be able to like myself. I want to be able to motivate myself to do things. Like clean, and do homework, but I just don’t know how. I want to be able to motivate myself to accomplish my goals. The truth is, I don’t even know if I really want to go into Forestry. The truth is, I have no idea what I want to do. I do know that I want to spend time in my country, seeing its beauty, and finding peace in it. I want to enjoy what god has given us. I want to find myself, and learn to be happy about being alone. I think I may be starting to. Writing in this journal really makes me feel happy. It seems to be the only thing these days.

     I want to do really well in school, but I don’t have the motivation to. Maybe that’s something that will go along with liking myself. Maybe one day I will want to make myself happy by doing those things. Maybe the reason why I don’t have any motivation, is because I don’t have any desire to please myself, and make myself happy. I really want to find myself.

     Oh, my gosh. I just had an awful thought. I hope I’m not doing this because I think it will make Steve come back.

     I relaly hope this is something I overcome before the first time I experience a death of someone close to me in my family. Or just a death of someone close. I hope I don’t experience that until I’m older and more settled. I guess that’s only something I can hope for…

     Well, I’ve been writing for awhile now…I should probably finish and write some more later. Maybe I will do some work or smth.