When I look at you

     When I look at you, I see myself more clearly and it scares me. Something about you triggers something in me, only after we’ve had physical contact, you touch me deeper than other people can that way. You touch a part of me that most people don’t ever even see, or even bother to know is there. A part that even people that try to understand can’t.

      You can bring me to tears with just one sentence. I can’t tell you anything, I don’t have to. You already know. I’m too scared to tell you just how strongly I feel, I’m afraid that you will let this whole thing go. That would hurt me even more. I have to decide for myself that this isn’t what I want.

      But I wouldn’t have felt this way if you hadn’t have let this start to happen. It’s not fair of you to tell a girl that you like her, only for her to realize that she is a pawn to make things better for you and the one you really care about. Something I can never be, never again. My innocence is gone. I can’t be like her, I used to be. I was the girl that never would have dishonoured god.

      Now He’s gone from me. Is there hope left for me? How can He forgive me after what I have done? Knowing, full well what I was doing to myself. And still, knowing this, I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop, but I do at the same time. I don’t know why I keep doing it. I just don’t.

      I want to be that person again, I was just like her once. It seems like a lifetime away, but a year and half isn’t all that long. What happened to me? I’m not sure what I want from myself…I’m so close. I just have to keep trying, never to give up.

      Why do people like her have the respect of people like you? You would do almost anything for her…why did I let myself do this? Why couldn’t I have been as strong as she is? I let go a long time ago…any attempts to bring it back are gone…I want to be pure, I want myself back! But it wouldn’t matter, I have been hated my whole life everywhere I go. Always for a different reason. Any attempts to change myself and I recieve the opposite reaction.

     It’s stupid, I shouldn’t want to be loved this badly…but seek love from people that can’t give it to me completely. The people that I push away are the ones that already have unconditional love for me. Why do I do that?

      It’s not  you that I want…it’s someone that gets me and feels as stable as you do when I’m in his arms…even Dave can’t do that. He’s something just a little above you…something that I can never truly touch…he doesn’t exist…