What is the right way to be?

I’ve been wondering…if all of this time I have spent trying to become strong enough so that no one can hurt me…is the right thing to do. I didn’t want to have to care so much about what other people thought…so I wouldn’t be so emotional all the time…to be independant enough that I could be untouchable…so I could get hurt and it wouldn’t hurt. I don’t want anyone to ever see me back down. To me, that is the worst possible thing…to lose…

But being untouchable means that I don’t get as close to people…but that is what I have learned!! To be alone is the best way to survive…because in the end…that’s what you are – alone. So I thought the stronger I was alone, the better off I would be.

But it is true, I do feel lonely a lot of the time. I’m here in a city where I don’t know anyone and i have a hard time making friends. I’ve run away from everything I know in search of happiness. But I constantly feel like there is something missing.

I didnt’ want to love again, so I ran away from it. I’ve been pushing away from it since day one with my b/f…constantly telling myself that there is probably something better out there, and letting myself get too involved with him is going to make me forget myself, who I am and what I stand for.

Am I still looking for something that doesn’t exist? What is wrong with me?

Why, after all of the soul-searching I’ve been trying to do, after all of the thinking I have done, all of the self confidence I have gained…do I still feel incomplete?