Truth

I used to think that following the same patterns meant that you find the same people that hurt you the same way over and over again. But I have just realized that this is an incorrect statement, or thought. 
     It means exactly what it says it means. That you follow the same patterns. I have been treating every situation in my life as though it were the same situation as I had growing up. Like everyone hates me, like everyone is "out to get" me. And that is simply not the case!
     No wonder I’ve had so many problems! It would be very frustrating, if you didn’t what someone was thinking, if they constantly got defensive and assumed that you were trying to hurt them, no matter what you did. 
     Poor E… He’s constantly walking on eggshells with me, and it’s been intensified lately. I can’t tell you why, I can only guess at the reason. Maybe I’m acting like my mother, because I’m a mother. I don’t know.
 
     And as for thinking that I’m no longer co-dependent, I should let this all be a reminder to myself. If I don’t continually work at it, it’s going to manifest itself in ways that I don’t even recognize until it starts to get out of hand.
 
     I’m so proud of myself for being able to face a differing opinion from my own, and recognize that it’s just that: an opinion. Hearing someone say that I’m being mistreated put everything into perspective, and I’m so grateful. It made me realize just how ridiculous this all is, how I really am just looking into the past.
 
     Because, even whether I’m intelligent, or unintelligent, it doesn’t matter. What E said was wrong, but it happened in the past. Maybe I’m not as smart as I once thought, maybe I am very smart. The point is, it doesn’t matter.
     He’s not the one telling me repeatedly day after day that I’m stupid. In fact, those were never his exact words, those are mine.
 
     Ok, in all honesty, he drank one time out with some guys (which like, never happens) and called me retarded. That hurt more than anything has ever hurt me before, because he means so much to me, and his opinion means a lot to me. But he apologized, he didn’t mean it, and he has never said anything like that before or since. If I stew over it, of course I will be miserable!
 
     At the end of the day, it’s ME who’s making me miserable. It’s ME with the negative mindset, it’s ME who’s putting me down constantly. And thank god for the chance at life I’ve been given, to learn and grow. The feeling of discovery I had, when I realized what it means to follow the same patterns, what it means for me. I’m so blessed.
     And I’m looking forward to the opportunity to journal about my discoveries about myself, I’m looking forward to more healing. I’ve come SO FAR, and my journey will never end, as long as I live. 
 
     I’m so proud of myself for being able to hear something that someone says, and disagree with it wholeheartedly. lol… I remember the days when I was afraid to speak my mind about the shit Rob put me through, because I didn’t want to hear people say that I should leave him. I didn’t want to hear it because I knew they were right.
     But this time it’s different. lol… I hear someone say I should leave E, and I think wtf are you talking about? I hear someone say I should leave him, and it makes me realize that I’m wrong. It makes me want to laugh, because it’s so ridiculous. It puts everything into perspective, and that makes me so happy.
 
     Yes, the intelligence thing bothers me. Yes, I want to discuss it with him. Yes, I don’t know how. And yes, when it happened, it made me want to leave. But sometimes, you just know. Sometimes, there’s something in the heart of you that makes you go… this is it. This is the one.
 
     I know the time is drawing very close to take the next step. And I’m terrified. I’m picking apart every little thing, because I’m scared. Because I want to discuss this thing before that big moment comes. But leave? No. No, definitely not. I’ve never in my life gotten along with anyone this well. And I would do best to remember that.
 
     There’s nothing that happens that I can’t talk over with him. There’s nothing that bothers me that I can’t mention and he won’t try to fix or change. Nothing is off limits. But lately, I’ve been a huge bitch. Picking apart everything because of fear. Now we’re both miserable. So I’ve got to fix it now, it’s up to me. It’s time for some soul-searching, I’ve been putting it off. My pregnancy had me pretty brain-dead for 9 months, and I feel like I’ve only been awake for the last three. Maybe two… it took at least a month for my brain to come back. Pregnancy is hard on you.
 
     So, say what you will. I think I’m finally strong enough now that I can stand for my own beliefs. I won’t buckle at an adverse opinion. Because I know I have a very strong relationship. Not everyone can travel to the ends of the earth and still make it work in the face of a completely different climate and culture. Then have a baby in the midst of it all. Go us! What a beautiful life I live.