Time to Own Up

 I’ve read through some old entries… and I think I might be really wrong.

     I only seem to ever write in here when I’m really upset. If you can count the number of negative entries about my man, that’s probably how many fights we have. 

     The rest of it is all positive… I really need to change my mindset. I constantly think that everyone is out to get me. I’m always so extremely negative. E tells me how negative I am all the time. 
     I remember when we first got together, I would get upset about something, and I would tell him how I felt and why. And he would come back at me with an explanation that completely blew my mind. Like, things were really not so bad at all. Maybe I should take that as a realization that maybe I have a way of twisting things to make them so much worse than they are.

     But then, of course I question my own judgement. Someone recently commented on one of my public entries and it made me feel so incredibly guilty. Because I know bad relationships. I’ve been in one. I’ve been to codependents anonymous, I know the patterns. 
     And when I really look at it, I realize… he’s not the one being controlling. It’s me.
     I’m the one who wants the world from him, I’m the one telling him constantly that I want more. And he’s just doing his best to make everything right. But instead, I’m telling myself that I’m the victim! I’m making him feel guilty, so he does more and more for me… this isn’t deliberate of course!

     But now that I’ve identified it, it’s high time I do something about it!

     It’s amazing, when I looked at the patterns, I never really accepted all of the traits. I only ever saw myself as the victim. No wonder I got myself stuck at step four. It’s time to go back to step one, and really work those steps.

     I’ve really got a beautiful life in my hands, my son, and his father. I’ve got someone that would literally do anything for me and look at what I’m doing…
     No wonder I feel bad about myself, I’m a bitch…

     I’ll take comments for this entry, but after this, I think I’m going to make my posts private. I’m too easily influenced by opinions. I need to work this out on my own. Because I’m the only one who sees and knows the real truth. I’m the only one who can make it right.

     It’s not fair of me to constantly put someone down, because I think they’re intimidating me by being successful… I’ve heard it so many times before. Not everything is about me. I need to take responsibility for myself.

     I’m going to do better… for myself and for my family.