This one’s got 2 b private…

k, ya. so where do I begin….I kinda cheated on Brad already…

But I’m not sure if it’s actually cheating. It’s bad enough, but I’m so ridiculously retarded! Chris and I have been spending a little too much time on the phone together, and last night we had phone sex….so retarded. But afterwards I talked to Chris a little more and I told him about how Brad won’t do anything for me ….in that way. Chris said that if the only option he’s giving me is sex, then I should watch out for him because it doesn’t matter what he says, he’s using me. I said that he’s a virgin and he’s just uncomfortable, and I can understand how he feels. He said that that’s just his angle to get what he wants and he will either just use me to lose his virginity, or he’ll keep on using me for sex because he knows he can get it. He went on and on about it and how he said that he knows it sounds bad coming from him because he is my ex b/f, and if makes it look like he’s just trying to get with me again. I told him that even if me and him break up, I’m not coming back to him.

      Now this puts things in an even more awkward spot because of what I have done. Brad said he wanted me to tell him the truth if I ever did anything with somebody. He said that it would be over, but he still wanted to know the truth. I think that before I make any decisions at all I should try to find out whether I’m being used or not. So this morning when I woke up I felt like sht. You know hte feeling when you wake ukp the next morning and remember everything that happened the day before, and it hits you like a tonne of bricks. That’s the worst feeling ever. So I decided that I was going to call Brad after I got dressed and had breakfast, and ask him to meet me at lunch. Cuz he never eats with me even though I’m grounded and that’s the only place I can see him and he doesn’t call me because as he told me yesterday, he, "doesn’t like to talk on the phone". Even though he spent several evenings talking to me until he either got in trouble or his phone died. Apparently he likes to argue even when he knows he’s wrong just for the hell of it…..grrrrrr!!!!!! What the hell am I supposed to say? I’m back in the situation where I can’t argue because he’s so good at arguing even when he knows he is wrong and he’s damn good at it!!!!! What do I do????? I’m so stupid.

     I think I should start by saying that I need to know the real reason why he won’t give me anything.

   Chris says that when Brad says he wants to stay with me for a long time, that’s part of his angle and he wants to make it look like he cares when all he wants is something from me. I don’t know what to think. Chris seems to make a hell of a lot of sense, but if you say that someone is using you, you can make anything they say or do look like it’s part of their angle. So god damn confusing. I really just need to talk to him. Everything points to Chris being right and I really don’t want him to be. I want everything to be right. But I seem to have fcked it up already.

    When I called Brad he said that he wanted to know what I wanted to talk to him about. I couldn’t really give him a hint without going into the whole thing. So I just said that I needed to clarify some things with him. He said "great, now it’s going to bother me all morning. When I told Heather that she said that it sounds like he’s trying to play the guilt card. But everything makes it look like he could be using me, it almost doens’t matter what he says. That’s why I’m really hoping that there is something he could say that will be able to convince me everything is alright. I know there is probably something that he could say. Personally, I think that the only thing he could say is that he was abused as a kid, and giving me pleasure reminds him of what "so and so " used to make him do. That would probably make the most sense because of what he told me… Maybe I should have talked to Karyn about it…..see, I can only tell one person. That way if it gets out, I know exactly who told. I decided to tell Heather, but I think maybe I should have told Karyn. But Heather would understand sexual abuse better than anyone. So maybe she was the best person to tell. who knows. I just wish I could take back what I did with Chris. I was actually going to ask him before I did this if he considered phone sex cheating. but now I don’t think I could ask him without telling him. I think I could handle not telling him for awhile, but if he asks me straight up, I don’t think I could lie to his face. I want to just not tell him, but I will always feel guilty, and then when I do tell him a long time from now, things are going to go to sht. ahhhhh! what the hell do I do? I’m so incredibly stupid!!!!

    anyways, I’ll write again another time. I’m sure I will have lots to write about!