Somebody, either make it better, or end it for me

     How do I make myself happy again? How do I bring myself to feel normal? I am on the verge of tears ALL the time. It’s like I just don’t want to be happy, because I just want Steve. How do I do this? I just don’t want anything but him. I don’t know how to do this. I just don’t. He won’t talk to me. Renee made me feel like s*%t when I talked to her yesterday. After I talked to Steve’s mom, she made me feel better. Maybe it’s because she’s giving me hope. I don’t know.
     She told me that I need to see him in person. I have been disagreeing with that for a long time now, but then it occured to me, if he saw me in person, it would really stir up his emotions. It would bring every though back. The only way I can think of doing that is if I go to get my stuff one day. The only problem with that is it would be my last chance to see him at all. And if he happens to not be there, I don’t know what I would do. Because that’s it. I tihnk his mom would help me figure it out. I just want to stir up his emotions a little. I want to see him in person. His mom told me that I can go when Steve’s brother in law, George, well, his mom is watching the kids. I don’t know how I could possibly plan that out.
     WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! What is it about me that makes me not good enough? I truly believed everything he said to me. I know that he still loves me. I know he always will. So what has changed? What was it that I felt near the end? Renee said it was that we were drifting apart. I really don’t feel like I was drifting away from him, I think he was moving away from me, and that’s what made my jealousy so intense. WHY!??? I DON’ TKNOW WHAT I DID…HOW COULD HE HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE WITH ME?! What the f%$k happened? where did I go wrong? He told me just a week before it ended that he loved me  more and more every day. I really believe him. I think that was real. I think he really did. I don’t know what died. I always had this fear like it wouldn’t last. Maybe I really did mean all those things when I kept saying "maybe we shouldn’t really be together."
     I just want to know what went wrong. What did I do…what changed? I love him so much…I can’t even eat any more…it’s 3:15 and I haven’t eaten anything all day. Maybe the real reason he was so emotional about it was because it hurt him that he lost a feeling that was so amazing. I don’t know. I just don’t know what went wrong. Renee said that if we were to get back together, everything would be just "blah". I’m scared that she’s right. I’m scared that the fire would be gone. We have hurt each other so much, I don’t think we would be able to be happy about it.
     I think that it would take us so long to heal…but if he truly thought that i didn’t trust him, he wouldn’t be able to do it. So that means that it’s not happening any time soon, if it does. It would really have to be a long time from now. How could something so beautiful turn so sour?

     I don’t have any answers to anything anymore. All I know is that I can’t change his mind. What a moron. He made a big mistake. What did I do? what did I do to deserve this? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t Ijust be happy? I need to go see someone. I haven’t been to school in 2 days. Ever since what’s his name told me that he wants to die, I have been even worse. I can’t handle his s$^t right now. It’s not fair of him to use me like that. I called the suicide distress centre, I told them the WHOLE story, and they told me that he is being manipulative, and to forget about it.

     I can’t believe it’s been 2 months since Steve left me. I can’t even believe it. I can’t believe it’s over. Was the whole thing just a dream? Everything in my life made sense for the first time ever. Maybe I’m just really messed up in the head, and every time something bad happens, I THINK that everthing is s#@tty. Maybe it’s just all in my head.

     Auntie Leigh told me that I should go to emergency if I think it’s really that bad. So I told my biological aunt (alissa) that I thought I should go to emergency, and she said that she used to work in the psych ward, and they would probably put me on suicide watch and make me stay there.

   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!!! I WANT EVERYTHING BACK, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SHARE EVERYTHING WITH HIM AGAIN!!! How many other girl’s hearts has he broken? How many other girls has he made feel this way?

I really want to die.