shopping

December 21st, 2007. 1am
            So I’ve been trying to sleep for an hour and I thought the good ol’ laptop wee hours typing might help me out a little. It seems to be doing that for me lately.
            I was out shopping with Kayla all day today. It was awesome we went downtown and I got some really nice stuff. I know, nothing for anyone but me, but that’s for my brother’s sake cuz he still believes in Santa. Hey, it’s what my mum wanted.
            I was a little frustrated because in the middle of the day, at around 3pm, Melissa called us and told us that Richard and her were going to be at some other mall closer to home if we wanted to meet up with them later. Kayla said that we would proly be tired when we got back, so she wouldn’t, but I might still want to go. So all day, I was thinking that’s what we were going to do when we got back.
     Well, Kayla and I were sitting in the little passenger pick up area at the bus station for her b/f to come and pick us up, and I thought it would be a good time to call Melissa and ask how our plans were going to work out. When she answered, I asked what was going on. She said, “Well, I wanted to meet both of you up there and not both of you want to come so we’re not going.” I was like, ok…so then we talked about that a bit more cuz I was disappointed that we weren’t going to get together anymore. Then she said that it was because she “just didn’t feel like going anymore” then she argued with me that that was the reason. Then when I reminded her what she said before she said, “Kayla doesn’t want to come so we’re not going anymore”.
     I was so mad at this point that she changed the plans without telling me, invited me to go somewhere with her and then when I had my plans made all around what she had thought out and then cancelled on me…that I hung up on her.
     Not to mention that I established while Kayla and I were standing in the middle of Hollister that I like Richard…didn’t really help the situation.
            The next half hour or so waiting for Kayla’s b/f were then spent bitching about Melissa…I was soooo mad! How often does she see Richard? Whenever she wants to! How often does she see me? Never! How often do I ever come to Toronto at all?! Man…I don’t even want to visit her anymore!
            So after that little escapade, I went home. I walked in the door and I was looking for mummy because I had all the stuff that I knew she’d want to wrap. I was so hungry because we had been waiting in the cold for Kayla’s b/f for over an hour. I noticed that there was leftover pizza on the table, I figured it would be ok if I had some. I didn’t see any dipping sauce even though it was from Pizza Pizza, so I found some stuff in the fridge in a little Dixie cup. I figured no one would mind if I dipped my crust in there, it was almost like dressing.
     I was standing there, enjoying my crust, and Marlee comes in and decides to bitch at me for eating the dipping sauce! She starts telling me that she doesn’t know where it came from or how long it had been sitting there, and that I had better “put it away”. I looked at her with wide eyes. I said “Marlee, you are not mummy, stop talking like her. You need to back down and let me be”. Jesus, that child is more and more like my mother every day. How dare she talk to me that way? Gah! She then said that she didn’t want to get in trouble for eating something. So I told her, “then tell her it was me! I’ll deal with it!”
     She just wouldn’t let it go…I was enjoying my pizza crust, I was just eating! I hope to god that kid really is infertile, I’d hate to see more children raised the same way my mother raised us!
            She was talking to me not only like she was my mother, she was acting as though she was older than me, which really pushed my buttons…I just didn’t have the patience to let it roll off my back…and certainly not when it was coming from her! That kid has too much power in that house, my mother will listen to anything she says.
            It kills me that they are so close, it really tears me up inside. It would be fine if they were just close, but the fact that with the snap of a finger Marlee could change it all…I don’t like that. I think I’ve decided that I’m going to leave the beer bottles and puke that she left under my bed from that party she had…she needs to understand that she can’t talk to me like that.
            Anyway, what happened next was my brother was in the other room crying because he wanted to call my parents. Marlee was picking at him even worse than she was me. I heard her say, “and I don’t want to hear any of that I miss mummy and daddy crap” that’s when it sounded like he was going to cry. I went into his room and picked him up.
     I said, “don’t cry, you’ll make me cry” he laughed. I said “I’m serious!” I guess he doesn’t know but when he was a baby I used to tear up whenever I heard him cry. I just couldn’t handle it. It still upsets me when I see him hurt in any way.
<div>            So I told him to come and sit with me while I made pizza. So he did. That was when I heard Marlee say from the other room, “who ate all the chips?” She came in and started telling Warren that he sholudn’t have eaten all the chips because they were her favourite. Warren explained to her that mummy, daddy, him and a few people had eaten them together. I told her she needed to let it go, they were just chips.
            Then the phone rang again and I guess lately the answering machine has been picking up after only two rings, so I could hear everything that was said from where I was standing. It was my mum that called. She was talking to Marlee and she asked her how things were going, etc. Marlee kept saying everything was fine. She asked her if I was home and Marlee told her I was. My mum’s next question was, “oh, how is that going?”
            It was just like, thanks…I haven’t even been home for ten minutes.
 
            Why do I have to be so invisible? Why am I the crazy one? Why can’t mummy and daddy love me the same way they love Marlee and Warren? Everyone says they do, but that I just don’t see it. But I don’t see anything at all. Nothing other than love they have for their biological children that they can’t ever have for me. I’ll never be good enough, because I’m not a little piece of them, like they wish I was. I’m just here because they thought they couldn’t have any kids. I was too much of a challenge for them to take on. Why do I bother? I don’t want to be here. I feel like shit. I hate Christmas.
 
            Anyways, I was so upset at that point that I just called Nanny. She came to get me and now I’m lying in bed with my laptop at her house. I’m getting up early tomorrow to go help Grandma with her baking. She said that we will be very busy for the next 2 days. I hope I’ll be a good enough baker for her!
            I’m just so frustrated with everything…I guess I just want to be loved. No wonder I’m a whore…
 
            I talked to Richard on msn. I didn’t even remember that I had him on my computer. He said that he liked me back, but in the context it was said, I’m not sure. I should just go by what I’ve seen and my gut, I think he really does. But a relationship would definitely not work right now…for either of us. Anywho, I feel much better and now that I’ve cried a little I think I’ll be able to sleep!
            Thanks again OD…:D