ok, I’m ready to spill my guts.

     Ok, despite everything I say at the very end…this song will always remind me of him…..if that video doesn’t work, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2AO7hsClEI believe me, it’s worth it! It’s really good!
     And Everything above is added…thanks to my other grandmother’s AWESOME computer!

Well, I’m not sure if you guys remember me talking about a girl named Britney. She was Steve’s ex f4ckbuddy. They never had sex, but they did everything but. Steve didn’t really tell me everything about her until a long time after I had met her. I remember I was really upset because I had told him in the very beginning that I wanted to know stuff like that. He had already refrained from telling me things like that several times. Halloween that year for example, we spent hanging out with his friend Jeff, and these two girls. I didn’t find out until 3 months later that BOTH of the girls we had hung out with that night, Steve had done stuff with. One girl gave him head when they were high, and the other one gave him a hand job and he fingered her…on more than one occasion. When it happened this girl, it happened like, almost every time they hung out. But they didn’t hang out that often. So we’re talking about, once every few months, or over a few year’s time.

     With Britney, it was similar, yet different. They hung out almost all the time when STeve was at his trailer. They didn’t always mess around, but she was the first girl to ever give him head, and she was also the first girl he ever ate out.

     What bothered me the most with her, was the fact that I remembered seeing her for the first time, and there was something about the way she talked to him, that I really didn’t like. I remember thinking that there was something…but I couldn’t put my finger on what! When I asked STeve about it, he told me that she was jsut a friend. He had done the same with one of the girls I mentioned above.

     One day, I remember him casually mentioning her or something…when I was asking him about all the girls that I knew that he had messed around with. I asked him because I didn’t want to be caught in an awkward situation like I had with the other two. I was PISSED! Actually, I think I was just upset. I dont’ think I was capable of really being mad at Steve when we were together, now that I think about it. So he told me that he "thought he had told me already." He seemed to remember a distinct time when he told me. I really didn’t know waht he was talking about at all. I was so upset.

     So we talked about it, I stressed about it. We talked about it some more, I stressed about it some more. It went on and on. I questioned him in every way possible. I wanted to know everything. I harassed the shit out of him, and I talked about it so much. It’s like a vicious cycle. I wanted to know everything, but the more I knew, the more painful it was. To me, just thinking about it made me feel like I was solving the problem. I obsessed and obsessed.

     So this all happened back when I was living at the ranch and I saw him an average of about 3 days a week. But we spent every other day talking on the phone for hours and hours, until one of us started to fall asleep. Probably about 95% of the time, it was him.

     One of the conversations we had about Britney on the phone, I remember coming to the conclusion that she probably liked him. NO girl, and I don’t care who it is, NO GIRL messes around with a guy that much, and that often, if she does’nt like him. After I said that, Steve went really quiet. Then he said, "I think you’re right. Now that I think of it, that makes a lot of sense!" I gave him a big speech. "You took advantage of that poor girl, and broke her heart." He kept telling me to stop, because I was making him feel like an asshole. I remember saying, "well, you WERE an asshole!" He told me that he thought the reason why she never said anything was because she did’nt want it to stop.

     At the time that all this had happened, I had never messed around with someone that I didn’t like. It was absolutely beyond me how anyone could do that. There was one exception: Steve. We messed around one day, that was how our relationship started. He was the first person I had ever done that with that I didn’t feel anything for. So, I kept saying, because all this was going on, "how can you mess around with someone like that that you don’t feel anything for?" He would either get upset and tell me that I was making him feel like a jerk, or he would throw it back in my face that I had messed around with him before we were dating, and he would tell me that I had kissed at least 3 times as many people as he had.

     One day, he said to me that he didn’t think he could ever mess around with people like he had in the past. He said that he didn’t feel like he could do that, because he felt gross. He said that he always felt gross afterwards, and he wished he hadn’t done all the things he did with those people.

     Steve and I had agreed that Britney probably still liked him. We even met up with her one day and went to a movie and played pool. He told me that if we ever broke up, he didn’t wouldn’t ever mess around with her again, just because of the circumstances. HE said that he wouldn’t mess around with someone that liked him.

     So when he broke up

with me and he had told me to tell him if I messed around with someone (if we got back together), well, taht was when he flipped out, and told me not to ever tell him anything like that ever again. Then his (/our ?) friend Renee called me and told me that she had spent the last three days listening to him cry, shake, and puke. She told me that she had never seen him so upset about something, told me that I shouldn’t have told him what I did, blah blah blah.

     At one point, Britney told me that STeve had lied to me (this was after Steve and I had broken up) and she had tried to tell him a gajillion times that she liked him, and she didn’t want to keep doing what they were doing w/o a relationship. Which is the complete opposite of what he told me. He had told me that he had made it very clear that they were just friends, and he figured she knew that, and they were just having fun.

     I told Britney that Steve would never lie to me about something like that. Britney and I got into this huge fight over it, and we eventually ended up sorting it out. We figured that maybe she just hadn’t been clear enough, and Steve misunderstood her. It didn’t make sense that Steve would lie to me when we were together. We kind of forgot about the incident, and we have become really good friends. I talk to her about stuff sometimes…although I’m careful what I say, just because of the situation.

     So this all leads up to what Britney told me on Christmas EVe. She told me that about a week and a half earlier, her and Steve had been joking around…by that, I think she means flirting. She said that she assumed that it was nothing, and they were just joking around as friends. She said that they were on webcam. She said that they always talk with webcam, she said that it’s something that they have always done. She said that he asked her to flash him. She said that she told him no, and he kept saying, "come one, do it!" She said that she got mad. But all she said to him was she called him a dork, and then signed off.

     Ok, so I am going to be totally realistic about this. It is really, absolutely none of my business. As much as it hurts me, I can’t act like it concerns me. But Britney is a really sweet girl. Despite everything, she doesn’t deserve to be treated as a sex object, and hurt by him. I was so surprised when she told me that…it is just so bizarre! After everything that him and I talked about. After he told me how badly he thought of himself because of it…he told me that if he had known that she liked him, he never would have done the things he did with her. And now, despite everything, despite the fact that we both agreed that Britney probably still likes him…and we agreed that right before we had broken up. So despite everything, he is willing to break that poor girl’s heart all over again, just so he could see a pair of tits? I AM SO DISGUSTED!!!

     Britney told me that she was going to talk to him about it. She said that after the conversation they are going to have, "he is either going to admit he’s an asshole, or we are not going to be friends". I was really impressed when she said that. The thing with Britney though, is she will say something like that, and then completely change her mind. So I really don’t know.

     Laz told me a few weeks ago that Steve had told him that Steve is ready and wants to be my friend. He said that Steve really stressed that him and I aren’t going to get back together. I think Steve is worried that the same thing is going to happen with him and I as it did with him and Jazmine. She convinced him to get back with her, even though he really didn’t want to, and then it ended horribly.

     I am really annoyed that Steve couldn’t tell me he wanted to be my friend himself. So next time I talk to him, I am definately going to talk to him about it. And if he says the same thing that Laz did, like how we’re really not going to get back together…I pray to GOD he does. I want the satisfaction of telling him that I could never be with someone as selfish as he is…..because now I see his true colours….

     If you guys have any advice on what I could say to him…or advice of any kind that would be wonderful! 😀 I want honest opinion, and even if they’re negative, I want to hear them…just please be tactful. This is my diary…and I don’t want anything nasty in here please!