ok, I need to calm down and get my sh!t together!

     Alrighty, I took a big step…and initiated a conversation with Ryan on msn. He ended up coming over for a visit. We had a big talk, just about lots of random stuff and about us too. He kept saying that he just wants to be friends. A few times he added "for now" onto the end of it. But when I asked him if he wants anything more to happen between us, he was pretty enthusiastic (well, just about as enthusiastic as Ryan ever gets) about saying that he definately wanted something more to happen.

    It’s actually pretty good that nothing is happening yet, I need to be single for awhile and lay off the guys. If having this friendship where were both attracted to each other like this helps me stay away from being a whore, then that’s good! Because right now, I really don’t want anyone but him.

    He said that he needs to stop being afraid before anything can happen. I told him that I’m not going to sleep with his best friend, and being with me wouldn’t be that bad, I said I wouldn’t bite. He laughed at that. He said that was a lie. lol…it’s so funny because it’s true.

     Although the situation is really weird, especially because of the way he treated me…I think that if it did work, it would work really well. He needs to trust me first. But that is going to take a LOT. It’s the same for the other way around…I don’t trust easily. I don’t know, Laz says that he thinks that I just want to believe him, but I don’t think that’s the case. I genuinely believe him, like, I feel it in my gut. I truly think he’s telling the truth. But then I get thinking and I panic…I just have to push that down. Or maybe it’s good that way? No, it’s probably better if I don’t think about the negative, otherwise I will freak out and ruin any chance of it ever happening if he really is telling the truth. Which I feel in my gut that he is…but…bleah!

     I feel really bad because Paco hasn’t really talked to Gill much, and he hasn’t come over, but Ryan has. We were both freaking out earlier about the same thing, but I was just all happy because Ryan decided to come over.

     I hope stuff works out…bleah….someone scream with me…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! lol.

*Added*

dude, I almost completely forgot to mention that Gill apologized to me almost right after I wrote that entry yesterday. She said she was sorry for being a b!tch. I forgave her of course, lol. I know she’s got a lot on her plate, and she’s my best friend…not to mention I love her to death, lol. (Man, I hope she reads this, lol)

ok, I have another p.s. …did you know that you can add yourself to your own favourites list? Isn’t that f4cking weird? lol