Need to Escape
bahhh! too many thoughts!! I just want to get out of my own head. I don’t know how to be happy, I don’ know where to begin. I love my boyfriend, but I hate my life right now so I guess that’s why I’m so lost. When he comes on too strong I push him away. But I’m always so confused…
I don’t know whether I want to spend every waking moment with him or if I want my space. Somehow I don’t think spending all my time with him would fill the void like I would like him to. That is no answer at all.
I love him, love him so much. But I don’t want him to get so angry all the time…man, I just want to crawl into a hole and die right now!! I’m so tired of my own fucking brain. I want to get out! TAke this permanent emptiness from me, someone, please!! TAke away the feeling that doesnt’ allow me to be ha ppy…take away the blockage from my brain that says, "Nikki, it’s not normal for you to be happy. You shouldn’t be happy. This is a temporary feeling. You are meant to be depressed."
Fuuuuucckkk!!! I just want it all to go away!! I don’t know how to be happy or where to start…I would like to start with my job, but I am lucky to be in forestry and have a job right now!
I can’t be looking to my b/f for happiness. But if I look for another job, I won’t have him anymore. I won’t be living in this city anymore. The job I’ve got is the only available option for me right now.
Ohhhh….I hate everything!!! *cries*
Is it bad that I felt like I had more of a complete connection with Laz? I don’t like him or want anything with him that is anything more then a friend…thinking of anything else with him makes me feel sick. Right now I feel like my relationship with Rob is missing something. I’m completely lost and I don’t know what to do.
If Rob and I were in the same room as Laz, Rob would be able to pick up more subtle hints from my body language then Laz would. Rob and I get each other like that. But STILL I feel like something is missing, even after 4 months of being together. Is that because what I"m looking for is my, "other half"? If so, then that’s not healthy. A relationship shouldn’t be two halves coming together to make a whole…two people should already be complete when they come together.
omg…I feel so lost