My Life Has Become Unmanageable
I’m not sure when it really happened, but I am realizing this now. It’s a bit of a revelation for me.
At work, when I first started out in my department, there was no manager. There was no one in charge. There was no one to show us what to do. We had to figure it out on our own. There was a little bit of mentoring along the way. Some helpful hints, and ideas. There were a few things that we found out we were required to do. It was a huge challenge at first. It was complete chaos. Now we are able to complete everything with relative ease. And I know there’s still room for improvement, and I know we will still continue to get better. At this particular time, I’m extremely short staffed. But I know once I get all the help I need, things will run smoothly again.
And I still have a lot to learn in terms of my staffing… how to keep them happy and manage them without losing them, or getting too close. That’s a really big challenge for me.
But this related to my life because… this is exactly where my life is at right now. I’m at the very beginning, when I was stuck in the department without a clue. I was able to change things around because I had to. And there was pressure from other people to do so. There’s no one in my life pressuring me to change things around but me. And I’m finally at the point where I want to do things for myself. I’m living in a situation where the person I live with is very understanding, and doesn’t put pressure on me to do anything, unless it’s really out of hand or is impacting him in some way. I’m very lucky.
So I guess I’m not really sure where to start. This personal budget I was working on today is a really good start. Now I have to figure out where to go from here. Where to begin. Where are my boundaries, how far should work come into my life, and how to I manage my time so I truly have time for me?
Should I draw up a plan like I did in the beginning of my time at work? It’s funny how much of a challenge that was for me, looking back. Like I truly had to draw up a plan, because it really was that difficult for me. Now I don’t even think about it anymore. I just do it.
Now, I suppose going in early today will benefit me in the long run. Because I’ll be training that new girl, and I’ll be able to pass more stuff off to her in the future. But as for today, I don’t have any groceries really, and I need some money. If I return that jacket now, I won’t have to worry about it later. And I’ll have money for a dinner today. I’m really torn… both are very important, and it gives me the heebie jeebies, because I don’t know which is moreso. And the longer I think about it, the more time I waste.
This is a real life challenge for me. This girl is going to be lost with no one else in the kitchen, but I can’t even call to find out how it’s going because my phone charger is broken and I can’t afford to buy one right now. Did I schedule another person? I’m pretty sure I did actually. But again, I can’t call to find out.
I don’t even know if I should get dressed or not because I don’t know if I should put on my uniform or regular clothes. Will I have time to walk my dog? My whole life revolves around my job… I don’t know where I end and my job begins. I do believe there is a way to balance it out, but I’m so new at managing my own life that I don’t know where to begin. And this is where I was at when I started at my job. So now I need to take what I learned there, and apply it to my life somehow.
I can’t even prioritize because I don’t know what my priorities are. Is walking my dog more important than returning that jacket and getting 30 bucks? Or is going in to work early more important than both? hmm… maybe I could apply the 12 steps to this situation? But step one is… admitting I am powerless. But what the heck am I powerless over in this case?
Well, ok. Let’s do what we learn in math when we’re kids. Write down what you know.
I know that I’m codependant. I am powerless over work in this case. The reason is because I’m worrying most about what other people will think if I don’t go in to work early. Particularly that girl. I told her I’d come in early if I could. That doesn’t obligate me to anything, does it?
Now, I’m only at step three. So as far as I know to go is to turn it over to my higher power and let it go. I don’t know if I feel comfortable with that. But I believe, because of step two. So I might as well go to step three, and let it go. Right? *sigh*
Ok, next. My dog is my responsibility. fuck this… I’m struggling because I have immense anxiety over not going in to work early. Ok… I’m going to do what I know I need to do for myself, and continue working on my step three. Let go and let god. I can do this because I have turned it over to someone else.
No one will beat me up over not coming in early. I need to worry about myself until my scheduled work shift. I work 50-60 hours a week. I can do my scheduled shift. Now I’m going to walk away from this computer, and I’m going to put on regular clothes, and get done what I need to do for myself. I can do this because I’m not alone.