I sound depressed in that last entry…

     Tonight was not a good night. It was potentially, but apparently not, because I ruined everything. I don’t know waht’s wrong with me.

      That last entry was kind of hard to understand what happened. The truth is, I’m still a little drunk even now, but I think peoplel will be able to make sense of this. I am not drinking any more! Every time I do, I f4ck things up. Jen (my roomate) and I went to some guy’s house to a party. It was fun, until I was completely hammered. Well, it was still fun in my mind. I was flirting with some guy like MAD. It was pretty fun…he was really good-looking. At one point I gave him a hug and bit his shoulder. There were some definate looks and stuff going on. John gave me a stern talking to when I was up in his room at one point. He told me not to do anything with that guy, because he had a g/f. I told him that I didn’t care…I said something about how I idolize Steve, and that’s something that he wouldn’t have cared about, so I didn’t need to care about it. John said that the guy, Scott was his name, had been with the girl for three years. Then I started talking about him and Jen.
     I told him how I hoped that Jen wouldn’t hurt him like she hurt Jeff…the last guy she was with. Well, that’s a big long story in itself! But anyways, I opened my big f4cking mouth about my opinion…why would I do that? I have got to be the world’s biggest moron!!! Then Jen called my other roomates, and they all came to pick me up in a cab…they were laughing at me so hard. The cabbie was laughing with them. I think I liked the attention…I think I made myself even worse…wow, I was HAMMED! Now that I’m sobering up…well, I remebmer we were going to stop at John’s house just for a little while, and then we were going somewhere else for a really big party. I think what happened, was Jen managed to convince me that there wasn’t a party at all. She said there was a nice party at rez going on. I got all excited, so I decided to go. Holy sh!t, I can’t believe I was drunk enough to fall for htat!
     When they picked me up, I found out that it was quiet hours, because we all have finals this week. I completely forgot. I was so drunk tho, I was still feeling pretty good.
     But then Gill told me that her and her ex Kevin were getting back together. That made me feel like sh!t. I know i should be happy for her and everything, but all this time I have been comparing what happened w/ me and Steve to her and Kevin. I felt like what she was going through, was how Steve was feeling. But she is going to try and get back with him. So that’s obviously not how Steve is feeling at all. I feel horrible. That’s so selfish!!!

     So that’s why my last entry was so messed up and depressing and didn’t make sense! But in between that entry and this one, here’s what happened:

     I went to the other building, because I believed my roomates when they told me that there really was a party, it was just in the other building. After I got outside, I realized that wasn’t true, because it was dead quiet. I thought I might know someone who might be drinking or maybe that i could hang out with, because I really didn’t want my drunkeness to go to waste. I found no one.
     Wow, I just realized that I don’t remmber the transition from that building to mine. Somehow, I ended up on the second floor of my building (the floor below mine), where a bunch of people were all playing cards. Lauren, Metalman, Metalman’s g/f Shannon, Josh (not the one that pisses me off, but the one who slept in my bed that one night last week), Andrew, Corey and I think that was it. There may have been more that left earlier on, when I was more smashed.

     Well, they played this weird card game pretty late. Then Metalman and Andrew played strip poker. Andrew lost, but it was a pretty close game. haha, I got to see his hairy butt! lol.
     A lot of times, I have had really weird conversations with Andrew…every time I talk to him he tells me he is gay. Then he tells me he is joking, he’s actually "straight as f4ck". Then he says he’s joking, and none of his friends will tell me whether he is or not. Not even Metalman. So it’s been bugging me for awhile…I relaly don’t know why! So we had this conversation about it finally. He said he does it because he likes the reaction. I said, "because people are all really freaking homophoebic?" He was like, EXACTLY. I told him that I had an ex who used to do that all the time.
     I asked Lauren when he was out of the room if he was gay or not…I said I couldn’t figure it out. She was like, "ya, he’s straight." so I asked her why he does that, she said, "he doesn’t do it all the time, just around you, I don’t know why".
     At one point I told him that he was hot. He’s not really that good looking, but I sort of think he is for some reason, just because he is so weird like that. I don’t know why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that that is something that Steve used to do. No, I think I would find him pretending to be gay attractive anyways. I love when people are THAT comfortable with their sexuality that they can do that. And I was drunk at the time…
     Then we had this conversation, I told him that I think he’s hot, he told me that he thinks I’m a really pretty girl. The night progressed a lot further…several hours later, it was just him, Lauren and I. There was this thought that ran through my head…"if only Lauren weren’t here". That’s when I got this really sick feeling. That’s when I thought, "I wonder if that’s the thought that Steve had that night he stayed up all night with Lauren and Elise." I just tried to shrug it off. that’s when I thought, "No! That’s probably the thought that ELISE had. Steve wouldn’t have done or thought that."
     So Andrew got up to leave, I left at the same time as him. I wanted to give him a hug or something. I was going to try and bite his shoulder, like I bit that other guy’s shoulder. Andrew knew exactly what I wanted, his face was so close to mine. Then he just went for it. He kissed me, and backed me right against the wall. I stopped it right there. I felt so guilty. I just thought of Ryan when I was kissing him. I told him that I should probably go to bed, but there was this awkward, "let’s continue to stand in the stairwell like this and discuss why it can’t happen some  more"…kind of feeling. I didn’t want to discuss it anymore. I just wished it hadn’t have happened, and I wanted to walk away, and pretend like it didn’t! He just wanted some I think.

  &nbsp

;  Why do I feel like I can have any guy in the world that I want, but the one I want doens’t want me? I don’t get it. I really don’t.

    Well, I’m going to try to talk to Jen tomorrow about that whole incident, apologize, and try to not drink for awhile. I screwed tonight up…she told me that there were two guys at Jon’s house that both said they liked me…and I bit that other guys’ shoulder! what’s wrong w/ me?
     Gill said that I shouldn’t have anything with Ryan while I’m still getting over Steve. She said that’s why she stopped the whole thing with Miche. I was like, Gill, me and Ryan AREN’T TOGETHER for exactly that reason. And I can’t just sit here and be like, "oh, if only I had Steve". The truth is, I LIKE Ryan. I cna’t just snap my fingers like her, and get him back. She can have Kevin whenever she wants him. I don’t have that luxury.

   I should go to sleep, and write a ridiculously long entry tomorrow…lol. Night everyone! (so I decided at 6am…*rolls eyes at self*)