I just want a mother.

     I just really want a mother. I need something to comfort me. I want to be able to cry in someone’s arms for an hour. I want someone to give me advise, to help me. I want someone to understand. I need someone to help me. I don’t want someone my own age to talk to, I want someone who I can share maybe not every single detail with, but I want to be able to talk to someone and say, "well, when Steve broke up with me, I went and messed around with eight guys to find comfort."
      I just want to be held, and cry like a little girl who scraped her knee. But there’s no one to do that. My mom’s a retard, who is too afraid to deal with her own issues, so she freaked out on me. It’s going to be a long time before I can talk to her about anything. It’s going to take Nanny  or Grandpa Kevin dying before I can ever talk to her about anything. And she’s going to be a mental case…she will break down. Who knows if she will ever be normal? BUT I WANT TO BE ABLE TO COME AND CRY IN HER ARMS!!!

      Well, as I am writing this, I am sobbing, and rocking back and forth, I’m such a mess. I just don’t know what to do with myself. Steve said he was happy, and I freaked out, now my opinion of his relationship with Renee won’t hold any weight. She’s such a bitch. I can’t figure her out. I just don’t know. Maybe she’s trying to make me jealous so I will freak out on Steve, maybe she wants to test me to see if I have learned anything, I don’t know.
     But what I do know is that I just found out from my Aunt that I have Obsessive Compulsive disorder.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

     Steve saw the whole situation in the right way. When I told him about my crazy adventure when I had to live with my biological mother, he understood that my mom was just trying to do the best she could. He understood that maybe my Aunt is just trying to get back at my mother. But when I talk to my counsellor about all of those things, he says that it is a good thing that I have someone in the middle like my Aunt who can help me see that not all the fights were completely my fault. He says that my mom drove me to do the things I did. But who am I to say that my mom drove me to beat her up? She may have been a little crazy, and she certainly wasn’t right a lot of times, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s her fault that I beat her up. that’s like taking me out of the situation completely. That just doesn’t make sense.

     It could just be that Johnathon sees it differently than I do because of what he told me last time. Last time we talked, he told me that he was adopted too, and his mom was a lot like mine. He said that if his mom and mine were to get together, they would have a great time talking about us to each other. Are counsellors supposed to say stuff like that?

     I’m so completely lost! I don’t know who to turn to. I love my Aunt to pieces, and I want to talk to her about everything, but I don’t want any of it to be in any remote way for her to get revenge on her. I know that she’s probably really bitter about how she doesn’t see my dad anymore, becuase she used to be best friends with her big brother. But now my Aunt and my Dad hardly even speak. And she blames my mom for it. Which is entirely plausible. I agree with her! I know my mom is weird about my dad. It’s like Nanny said, if Daddy had his way, there would be people over at our house all the time. But Mummy’s not like that. She is completely anti-social.
     And I know where it comes from. I know that I had the same problem when Steve and I were together. Well, not quite, because I am social. He’s not really that social. But whatever. The point is, I am a lot like her in a lot of ways. I carry similar issues that she does, and I also carry a lot of my own.

     AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I have a huge test tomorrow, and instead, I am sitting here. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel normal. I really do’nt want to drop out of school, because I put so much money into it. I want to prove everyone wrong. And I don’t know what I will do with my life if I can’t do this. I won’t want to do it over again, that’s for sure. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I will say it in here, maybe never say it again. I want to be near Steve. I know he’s in Peterborough, but I want to be near him. I want him to know where I am.

     I have so much to do, and I just can’t do it. I feel so shitty whenever I try. I think I should go have another of my long, relaxing showers. I don’t know if I will come up with any answers. I think if I could have my way, I would go do that, come back to my room, and read my book for a few hours. I wish I had sound on my computer again so that I could hear when someone messaged me. That way I could relax a little. b/c I can’t see the computer from my bed when I am reading, or doing anything else. I think it would find me some peace of mind.

     I missed yet another one of my appointments with my tutour. I’m losing my mind. The days run together, and I don’t seem to ever know what happened on what day. I really need to go get some help. I’m pretty fucked up these days. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I call Auntie Leigh a lot, whenever I’m upset. And she’s got her own depression problems.

   Ok, I’m going to go do what I said I would do, but first I’m going to read Alicia’s diary. She has the most interesting one of them all 🙂