I hate Hurting

 I’m hurting so much, without a real reason why. It’s very frustrating to me right now. Like a lot of shame… I just don’t understand it. I don’t know… I guess I just wanted to prove everyone wrong… and I failed? Maybe that’s what it is. I don’t know… I feel awful…

     I feel awful about Eric too. Like maybe we’re finished now. Usually when I feel this shame thing, this guilt thing… this overwhelming sadness… As soon as that happens, it’s over for me. He thinks that was a normal argument but… I don’t know. That was really upsetting for me. The argument stopped being an argument and started being about proving me wrong, forcing me to admit it. He was so bent on it, it was ridiculous. Maybe arguments like that are normal for him, but certainly not for me. I don’t think that’s something that I want in my life. I’m really sad today. I actually felt really good taking time away from him today.

     I guess I know from experience now, what arguments like that can turn into. You know, he’s right. I was the one that kept bringing it up again… but he also kept prolonging it. I really didn’t know what to do to diffuse the situation. Each time we argue it gets worse and worse. I now know from past experiences that it’s not going to improve with time. *sigh* I guess I’ll have to sit on this one for a few days.

     If he really thinks that the way we argue is normal, which he really does seem to, then I know this will never work. I can’t live like that. It’s far too upsetting.

     It really does turn into this whole "you HAVE to admit that you are completely wrong RIGHT now, this very second, or I’m going to sit here and list off every single thing that YOU have done wrong until you do"! Then my reaction is "what?" and I’m so shocked and surprised at the way he is acting, I don’t even know how to respond or react. I tell him that I don’t like the way he is reacting, and he gets so frustrated because I’m trying to tell him that the way he is telling me what is bothering him is very upsetting, and hurtful. But he doesn’t get that in the heat of the moment. 

     Wow, I feel like crap…