Guys are stupid, alcohol makes me stupider

     Sometimes I wish things would just go back to the way they were. They would feel so much safer. Back when Steve was my everything, that unchanging safety that never faltered.
     But things never stay the same. They’re always changing. People don’t all love you, they want to get whatever will benefit them. If they get sex, they will get it. If it makes them look good to tell other people about it, they will gladly spread the information around. They don’t care what that does to you. But yet, at the same time, I know I would be bored if everyone was all good and nice all the time and didn’t cause problems.
     But I kind of REALLY wish that I didn’t mess around with that Ryan guy tonight. I SOO desperately didn’t want anything to happen and he just kept pushing me and pushing me. So I gave him head twice and he fingered me. But I really didn’t want anything to happen. AT ALL. I’m so mad.
     And why did he have to make me look so bad when his friends came? These two girls were trying to call him the whole time we were messing around. At one point we got walked in on by one of his friends/roomates. That wasn’t cool.
     So ya, back to these girls, he went out to go meet them. I was passed out on his bed all drunk, and he introduces me as his RA. Then he says, "she’s supposed to take care of us when we’re drunk" Then after he turns around and the one girl started following him, the other one turns and gives me the dirtiest look EVER. I’m like, wtf?! Why couldn’t he have said something, ANYTHING else? Ridiculous…I’m not only drunk he had to make it worse…fucking tool.
     And hes friends with all the people on my floor. Just to top it all off. Fucking dick couldn’t have said something else. I just got up and walked away when he went into the other room. I don’t think he noticed that I was gone but I don’t even really fucking care. One dirty look, that’s all I needed. I’m not sticking around if I’m unwanted. Fuck, we never even made it to the bar. He wouldn’t leave me alone about having sex. I didnt even want to do anything at all. I wish he would have just left me alone. I know I should have been more strong about my "no". I HATE BEING PRESSURED LIKE THAT! Of course if he bugs me he’s going to get what he wants, but that just proves that he’s a dick. Fuck that.
     You know how hard it is to say no to so many guys all the time? Fuck! It’s hard when you’re one of the only girls and you go to a school that’s 85% guys! Most of them are pretty fucking hot too because they’re all from farms and shit and do nothing but work all the time.

     I’m not very happy right now…with myself or him…god I’m a whore