Financial problems

I don’t want to use anyone else. For anything. I want to do things on my own. But it really is hard.

     Why do so many people want to take care of me? I know that all I have to do is ask. But I feel terrible. Rob offering to fill my gas tank for me. Eric offering to feed me for a couple days. I don’t want my family to be right. I don’t want to have to "need" a man. It really is rough right now. But the mess that my life is on the outside, is the mess that was already on the inside. Everyone else is just seeing it now.

     And only now that everything is a desperate situation, it is starting to sink in a little. Nothing makes sense to me right now.

Should I put my pride aside and take the food from Eric? And spend a few more days with him? Or should I stay here, do it myself and feel strong? I want to go see him. But I hate not feeling independent. Or like I owe him something. I’ll probably feel better about myself if I stay here.

Maybe what I should be thinking about right now is what someone said to me once, "What I’m seeing you do, and what you think you are doing, are two completely separate things." In the context of a coach, telling me that I was capable of doing more than I thought I was. And I’ve thought about that a lot, because I think it is most likely that I do that in the rest of my life as well. I believe that I am less capable than I really am.

So what else do I want? I don’t even know… I want to travel, so badly. I want an adventure. I want to be free. I want to explore. And I’m not taking the right steps to do that. My car, for one thing. It’s eating up so much of my money it’s ridiculous. And this place I’m living in, it’s far too expensive. I’m not taking a single step towards my goal. Not one. I can’t even save money at all. I wonder if there’s a way to get out of my car… not my smartest decision. Five years… yeah, that’s stupid.

hmm… Maybe I’ll see if I can get some of the extras taken off and I won’t owe as much. Definitely not the brightest decision I’ve ever made. *sigh* I’ll work it out eventually.