Feeling a little Empty

     I’m happy here in Thunder Bay, I really am. But there’s just something missing. I don’t feel like I belong. I know this is not where I want to settle down. I came here to sort of find myself, prepare for the great beyond, learn a little more, earn some money, ground myself a little better, and to come down from my medication.

     I don’t have lots of friends here, I don’t have any friends here, really. Any friends I have are guys that are interested in me. I don’t have any close friends or anything. Just acquantances. I feel out of place with the people I work with…I get weird vibes from them all the time. Although I don’t get the vibe that they don’t like me. I just think that they don’t think all that highly of me, that’s all.

     I look back on things from the past, like school, the ranch that I used to work at, Toronto, and I miss them so much that I ache inside sometimes. But I know better then to think that I can go back to those places. Once you leave things like that, it’s better off just as a memory. Your memory can go on untainted, coming back to those things, you see the changes, whether they be pleasant or unpleasant, you have to accept that the only way to visit them is in a memory, but it’s hard sometimes. Growing up is very hard…

      I try to think positively about everything as much as I can, realistically positive. It has made me into a much happier person, that’s for sure! But moving around so much really is hard. I love running into people that are from places that I’ve been, and known things that I’ve loved. It gives me a feeling of security, that no matter where I go, it is never truly unfamiliar. It’s like I’m protected, almost.

      But when I go to a new place, and then leave it behind…it doesn’t matter how scary it was when I moved to it, I always leave it with a feeling of comfort, the new familiarity fresh in my mind.

     I’m not quite sure what brings this touch of meloncholy to my spirit…there is a good reason for it, but I just haven’t found it yet. When it hits me, it’ll hit me hard and I’ll know.

     I used to think it was that I needed someone to talk to, to understand me. That may have been one of the reasons. But now I realize that I get bored when someone listens to everything that I have to say.

     Then I thought it was that I needed to just be busier. I got busy…not busy enough, but busy…still no.

     There’s just something inside me that isn’t quite content…like no matter what I do for myself, I’m not quite satisfied. I really don’t know what it is that I’m searching for, but I hope I find it! Maybe travel really is the answer…there’s nothing like it, it really is healing. That’s why I want to go it alone.

      For now, I’ll keep searching…