E

 I don’t know what’s wrong with me… that’s what all this was about. To try and figure myself out. I thought I knew Eric, but I guess I didn’t at all. I just talked about myself far too much. He’s like no one else… like… really really special. I love him, I do. But, I guess I just did what I do… sabotaged everything. Why do I do that?

     I used to just get insanely jealous. Now I just get weird, and indifferent… and push them away. I’m actually kind of shocked that things just happened the way they did. I guess I just expected him to say he would always be there. And he didn’t. He walked away. Now maybe he’s gone forever… But I’m really not sure whether I believe him or not. 

     But I absolutely can’t let his silence will me into trying to get him back. I’m doing this for a reason. I need to hold onto that. Or at least try to. 

     Fuck me and my drama! If it’s not one thing, it’s another! Why do I let this happen? No, better yet, why do I do this to myself? 

     When I was little, I used to play this game. It was with pop can tabs. You go through the alphabet and whatever letter it comes off at the first letter of the name of the person you’re going to get married to. It always came off on E for me. Always. I would try to make it different and go through the whole alphabet, and then start the alphabet over again, and it would still come off at the letter E. 

     I had a crush on a guy whose name was Everett. I used to think it was going to be him. But it just hit me… E is the only other guy since that has ever had an E name. fuck I’m going crazy…