Deciding My Future

     Today, I feel ready to get my life started and settle down. Yesterday, I wanted to stay here in Northern Ontario for another year before I moved west. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll just want to travel.

     Maybe I wanted to stay here because I like the security of the idea of settling down. Maybe it’s because I’m sex deprived lol and not sleeping around like the little whore that I am that it’s making me think about my life. It’s funny, because the longer I go without sex, the more I want it…and also the more afraid of it I am.

     I want to get my life in order, and have all the things I have been dreaming of for so long. Dogs, horses, my own beautiful place…and when I have that in order, or maybe all at the same time…a husband…and kids! Despite what I’ve thought in the past…lots of them…but logically…not so great for the grand scheme of things. I’ll have to settle with just two. Maybe adopt some. I really am starting to crave being a mother. I want kids in all different stages of their lives…I want to give them everything. I want to be there for everything!

     I hope I make an amazing mother!!

You know…I really don’t think BUbba is the guy for me at all. I’ve known it all along…but…he has a lot of great qualities…physically anyway lol. And from what I hear from his ex

     I wonder if I should travel with Ryan or leave in the fall when my new friend Heather comes through? IT would certainly be an adventure either way! I guess that depends on when my contract here in Northern Ontario ends. Whether it’s extended or not. I would like to have the security of knowing that I’ll have a job already when I go west.

     And the cost of living is so expensive out there…I’m hoping for Alberta, but I think my new friend wants to go to BC. I suppose it couldn’t hurt living there for a little while. It’s a beautiful place from what I hear, and certainly not lacking in the forestry department!

     But I don’t know if I will have enough money saved to live for a few months jobless. Or are the jobs there so prolific that I won’t have to wait long? I just don’t know…I wonder if my new friend and I will be able to help each other out…I wonder if she’s nice enough that she won’t screw me over…although I would be getting a free ride out there anyway…*sigh* so much to decide, so much to think about!

      Not 100% sure if I want to go to New Zealand still or not…I suppose I could always just check out my own country first. See what I think of travel! *another sigh* but I just don’tknow!!! Still so undecided! I don’t want to give up on my dreams, settle down, and have regrets!! I guess time will tell! <3