Changing Beliefs for Change in Self

 I think I actually kind of like that I haven’t had any notes on any of my entries in a long time. It’s like I’m really just writing for myself. It’s very nice.

    Right now, I’m not feeling very positive about Eric. We do argue from time to time, and I’m feeling as though he is kind of controlling. And he’s not seeing it at all. It seems to be getting a little bit worse each time. Maybe I should back off for awhile. I want him to do well at the store, and I want R to like him. Maybe I’ll wait until after today and talk to him.

     I’ll tell him that we need to get our lives together before we can be together, or something along those lines… because this really isn’t working for me. The thing with Scooby yesterday, and today with the applause. It was rude. He might think that he respects me, but I think I’m really just following the same patterns. Maybe all of this isn’t such a good idea after all. Maybe I really should take some time, do my CoDA steps, and learn about me. 

     Maybe I should stop things before they get worse. I don’t want to lose him, really. But if I do, I guess that’s what is going to have to happen. I need to get my life together for me… and whatever I decide, I need to do on my own. I’m really not helping myself by spending so much time with him. The trouble is, I don’t have a game plan. 

    But if I don’t have a game plan, I’m stuck in the same pattern I was last time, with Rob. I really need to be careful, and watch out for myself. I don’t like this. At all. 

     Right now, I’m going to work on my resume. I’m going to go from there. I’ll figure everything out… I always end up being ok. I don’t give myself enough credit for what I can accomplish. On my own. 

     But I do need to remember that even if I am following some of the same patterns, this is a different situation. He is a different person. He is not Rob. But I’m letting him be. I can do things for myself. And I need to start doing them. Stop being afraid. I’m clinging to people to feel safe. I really do need CoDA. A higher power. I can’t blame Eric for the way I’m feeling, or acting.

     Bottom line is, I need to learn to take care of myself. I really don’t know how. Why?

    I was never allowed to take care of myself, for one thing. I was always taught that I’m incapable of doing so. So I suppose that’s where the anxiety comes from. It’s a belief that I have. I am incapable of caring for myself. Geez, even look at the sentence in the "paragraph" above… I don’t know how to take care of myself.

That’s a belief. To change a pattern, you have to first change a belief. I was going to say, "that’s a tough one to change", but that’s a belief as well. So maybe this one will have to be a two-step belief change. 

ok… so here goes. 

I can’t change my ability to take care of myself

I rely on and cling to other people – panicky, fearful
I’m stuck with all my negative actions – hopeless
I don’t bother even trying to change – hopeless
I believe that I can’t do anything on my own – hateful towards myself

I can change anything about myself that I want to

I can accomplish anything – content, powerful
I am unstoppable – peaceful, happy
I am liberated – content
I am someone that people admire and look up to – proud
I admire myself – content
I am wise – peaceful

Ok, so that’s the first part. I’ll do the rest later. I feel really good already, and I realize that my issue isn’t with Eric, it’s about myself. I feel very free. I love this exercise.