Anger is the Language of the Hurt

well, i admit it was wrong of me to be on the computer so late while my bf was trying to sleep, as he has trade school tomorrow. The only way I get internet is in the bedroom… I had headphones on and everything but – well you get my drift.

The other day i was meditating a little to try and open up my emotions a little more. I am such a bitch to live with. I haven’t been able to figure out for a really long time why I’m so bitchy, but I think I touched on it a little the other day, and also managed to figure out a little more just now.

I got into bed after being up really late on my computer. My bf was cuddling with the dog on the bed (120 lb dog – double size bed). When I climbed onto the bed, all I did was take the dog’s place, really. I moved the dog over a little, and I was laying exactly where he had been. My bf pushed me over and told me to move.
A little time passed and the separate blanket I was using was starting to feel cool as I was drifting off, so I squirmed my way under the douvet (between the dog and my bf), which was when he started to get angry. He told me I was a bitch and rolled over, whereupon I started to cry. Then he lost it. He started cursing and telling me I was an inconsiderate bitch, and a cunt to boot, and grabbed the small, lighter blanket from the bed, very nicely told the dog to get down (even though the dog took his sweet time) – and cue bawling.
"fucking cunt go cry somewhere else" etc etc
This was when I had a flashback to when I used to cry in the middle of the night for no reason when I lived with Steve. He would ignore it completely. I told this to Rob once and he told me how horrible he thought this was and how he could never yell at a girl who was just crying. And here he was, calling me every name in the book for that very reason. It only made me cry more.

This crying went on for the next hour I believe, which lead me to this diary entry. My thoughts were completely jumbled the majority of the time, this could have just all been brought on by the humbling experience of being fired today… But that’s for another entry!
The point I’m getting at is – normally, a situation like this would have triggered me to react in much the same way as he had been towards me. I would have been very angry, brash, and downright nasty towards him in every way I could possibly think of. Instead I was responding with raw hurt.

Now, I haven’t gotten too deep into this yet, and I could just be overthinking things to the extreme because it’s 4am. But I think that this is a breakthrough – instead of responding with anger, I am allowing myself to respond with the raw hurt that I truly feel underneath my harsh, cruel mean exterior. But this is something that I only feel comfortable doing with my bf…

I know our relationship sounds really horrible from this entry, and in some ways it really is. But I know that tomorrow, when we’re both thinking more clearly, it is going to be discussed and resolved in a small talk. See, the thing is, that we both have a lot of the same issues. So we’re very understanding of each other once we both have a level head – it’s just finding that level headed time.

For now, I’m headed to sleep. If he’s still not rational by tomorrow, I’m just going to try responding with kindness and honest hurtfulness – what I truly feel instead of this crazy, reckless anger that we always seem to throw around.
I am slowly making progress. As much as I truly hate him in this very moment, I wonder what he will have to say tomorrow?