Well that was an interesting month

When we last spoke I was on my way out of town. First Provincetown and then Shanghai. Provincetown was nice. I’ve seen better but in the age of Trump and increased hate crime it’s good to be amongst allies. Going somewhere where Dean and I don’t have to keep enough room between us for the Holy Ghost while out in public is a nice change of pace. Sure I live in LA and it’s not like I’m worried about my neighbors here. But we’ve had several attacks in the neighborhood by Proud Boys and other hate groups driving in from the outskirts to stir up trouble. Now I can work on getting him to agree to a trip to Montreal. It’s hard to crowbar him off his parents couch — I get it, he’s exhausted and just wants to rest (but he’s also kind of lazy tbh!)

When traveling to Shanghai or any other long haul flight, I strongly recommend United’s Polaris Class. Yes, I wasn’t paying the $5000 price for this luxury but if you have to sell a kidney or what have you, it’s totally worth it. You’re in these pods that turn into lie flat beds! Plus it was a new 787 which flies higher and has greater cabin air pressure. It’s a quieter plane with bigger windows and larger bathrooms. At the end of a 12 hour flight I was like, “once more around the planet, Jeeves!” Food still sucks but whatever, you can’t have everything. Seriously though, how do I go back to economy after this?

Teaching over there was a challenge. Language being the big issue. I had a translator but it made everything take twice as long. Conversations were slow and people tended to get a little impatient with the lag. If this is going to be a regular thing I’m going to have to learn Chinese. What, like it’s hard? I’ve been looking into classes here and I think I might be able to talk work into paying for it.

The city is like a glimpse 50 years into the future. It’s the most astonishing place I’ve ever been. Everything’s really clean, very modern and strange. I loved it. Of course the whole issue of censorship is no joke over there. I was on a panel at the Shanghai film festival and they gave me the questions I would be asked in advance along with some suggested answers to provide… Uh. Because I had an international data plan on my phone I could access the internet — the real internet — but whenever I logged on to WIFI at the hotel or the school it was the fake internet. Also, they monitor everything by having this single app called WeChat for text and payments. Basically it tracks every word, movement and payment you make. Fun! Not like we don’t have the same shit here but it’s not centralized. China could be really amazing if they did away with the whole police state thing. Maybe I’m being Pollyanna but hear me out. Keep the Communism (or whatever that is they have over there — Communism with Prada?) just get rid of the lack of free speech and hold real elections. What the hell? Are they really keeping a billion people in line with Xi as president for life? I don’t think so. The Chinese are pretty happy with their situation and I can see why. So what’s the point of this extra paranoid social control? It’s the grasping. let go of Taiwan and Tibet. Let Hong Kong do whatever they want. Is it really all going to break apart? They’re not like the Soviets — they actually know how to build shit that people want to buy. Easy for me to say. I spent a total of 10 days in one city, it’s not like I’m suddenly a China expert.

Now I’m back home and it’s all cold and gloomy. Seriously. This time last year Malibu was on fire. I’m ready for Summer to arrive. I took a welding class because it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. We’re building a guest house and I want to be able to build a deck for it or add additional sun shade structures in the back yard without having to hire a contractor at huge expense. Also, when the apocalypse happens I want a skill that will keep me off the trash heap. As the millennial hoards come for me I’ll be able to say, “I know how to weld!” It will be like Gilligan’s Island except instead of making a washing machine out of coconuts and bamboo, I’ll repair their fixie bikes to earn my keep. I have a number of useful skills. I can sew, for example, with a sewing machine. For real! In the 90’s I dressed like a 1920’s chauffeur and I had to make my own car coats. Look, we all have our phases, point of story if you have a persnickety costume you like to wear in public, you might have to make it yourself. Sure, you can get that shit on Amazon now but back in the day you had to find houndstooth wool, go to the library and copy sewing patterns from the archives, painstakingly assemble the pieces making sure the grain of the fabric lined up and then wear it a few times before accepting the fact that it’s too hot to wear a fucking 1920’s car coat in Los Angeles. So now I’ll just get into welding and learning Chinese.