sometimes when we touch…

 I’ve got that song fragment stuck in my head. What a strange couple of weeks it’s been. I’m not in the best mood because my pain levels are pretty high.  This morning I had to shake off the dark clouds — or as I say, "don’t go down that dark alley." I use cognitive behavior modification to control my thinking. The dark alley is, of course, filled with self harm. I am in enough pain again that I hear the siren call of the big sleep and yet I know it’s not for me. 
So why so much pain?  Well I think it was caused by a nerve stretch injury.  I did my physical therapy at home, stretched too far and suddenly my leg was on fire. After six weeks I started to feel much better. Then a week ago Tuesday a drunk driver hit my parked car and I had to switch to a rental. One afternoon, getting out of the rental I rubbed the back of my leg against the edge of the bucket seat while getting out and suddenly the pain was back. Only this time it was worse — my toes have started to curl under, my knee buckles. The nerve is not functioning. I went to a Neurologist yesterday — he looked at my MRI’s (from May) and said that I must have reherniated. He didn’t think there was any possibility that what I’m experiencing is a nerve stretch — he said it’s the disc and he’s ordered another MRI. I’ll go Tuesday. 
And here’s the problem with having a third herniation at the same disc level: Three strikes, you’re out.  So they say.  The recommended course of action is an L5, S1 spinal fusion. My physical therapist says to take it one step at a time. She says to not jump to fusion until I know what’s happened. She also says that the source of my pain is perhaps due to long trapped emotions. The Dr. Sarno school of thought.  I’m not opposed to this line of thinking although I’ve given it a try and it didn’t do much for me. I’m willing to try again.  She wants me to work with a therapist who does visceral manipulations (like an Osteopath) while discussing the traumatic memories or images that occur during the process. Okay. Sure. 
Here I am — nine months in having completely healed a disc herniation and still in intransigent pain with a quality of life one would expect of a 90 year old. I measured myself today. I’ve shrunk an inch in height.
But I’m not going down that dark alley. I’ve made it my mission to take my mental health as seriously as I’ve taken my physical health.  I’ve also decided that I cannot let my physical state determine my mental state. That is to say, even with pain I need to find a positive outlook. The big question though is how?