six months – go! *update*

Okay, I’m starting today. Trying my six month attempt at avoiding surgery. I’m going to try to get through the semester, crawl through physical therapy (if the Dr gives me the Rx tomorrow) and try to make this happen. Fifty Fifty odds.
Here’s where I am today: Pain — between a 3 and a 5 depending on what I’m doing. Walked about 2 miles. Had lunch with my agent — he came here, I was on the floor. My pain feels like burning and stabbing more than anything else. Some numbness in my foot. I got an Rx for Effexor today – took it feeling a little dizzy.  So far I’ve had six Advil since 7AM.
I’m walking funny. I have to think about it to walk straight. My right leg wants to pronate out. I don’t have weakness — it’s more just trying to not make anything hurt. I dig my thumb into my hip as I walk. Neck and shoulders are a mess. Knots, spasms. Some burning in my right shoulder. Almost like I herniated a cervical disc. Trying not to go there. I am never without pain somewhere. The back of my thigh burns right now. I remember this strange cluster of feelings just after the last selective nerve block. I’m guessing it’s the same.
I’m going to read my student’s scripts now. I’m trying to be a good teacher. I’m saying no to all extras. I’m only focusing on my current students. Everyone else I can’t deal with. Lots of requests — almost daily from former students to read shorts. I can’t. I’m being super dramatic ‘major setback after back surgery in September — I’m in a lot of pain and have to do a great deal of physical therapy.’ I"m hoping they’ll spread the word.
Whenever I suffer like this (emotionally or physically) I get really spiritual. I’ve been meditating a lot. It’s a comfort and it’s one of those things shown to be effective in peer reviewed studies. So why not? I’m keeping the sick and the suffering in my heart, hoping for us all to have a happy and healthy 2011.
I sure hope the doc clears me for physical therapy tomorrow. I need to do something.
Got a call from the Dean of the film school where I teach. A very dear colleague and friend is sick with cancer. It feels so dark, all of this. He’s a talent — you’ve seen his films. But he’s also a wonderful human being. We’ve had conversations so deep they make everything seem trivial by comparison. He has a good chance but he’s in chemo now and it’s draining. I need illumination on this. I need to understand this season of suffering.