over a year later

Wow, it’s been over a year since I last posted anything. If I look back on this year– there’s some good some bad but it’s the last two weeks that’s sent me scrambling. Here’s the basic info: Still married — my husband’s doing well. My dog is still alive, though he’s really old now. Still teaching, still writing.
Here’s where things have gotten complicated. About two years ago I started having pain in my lower back. Did chiro, yoga, the usual. I’d get better, then I’d get worse again then better then worse. This January I hurt myself at the gym. At least that’s what I think happened. Lifting something. Two days later my back was killing me. I went to the doctor, he gave me muscle relaxers and giant advil and the pain sort of went away. I was never great — couldn’t sit for very long. Flights were difficult. But it was okay. Chiro seemed to work for a while. Then the pain came back and in July I started dragging my right foot.
The pain was different. It was in my back but it was in my leg. An MRI showed a massive herniated disc. S5 L1 if that means anything to any of you. I had a lot of things to consider but one thing was for sure, my back was getting worse and my leg was getting weaker. The disc was pinching my sciatic nerve so my doctor, my chiro and second doctor suggested a microdiscectomy. September 23 I went under the knife. There was a 95% chance I would recover just fine. I felt better. I was up, walking, doing physical therapy. All the pain was gone. A month after surgery I felt like I had my life back. Then I caught a cold from a student, coughed and sneezed my head off for 3 days and suddenly I had more pain than before the surgery. 95% chance everything would work out just fine. Guess I’m just a "glass 5% empty" kind of guy.
An MRI confirmed that I had reherniated the same disc — only this time it was worse. 40% larger herniation. 12mm of disc material in my spinal canal pressing on my sciatic nerve. The pain was as bad as when I broke my arm. A ten out of ten. I had a selective nerve block so now if I lay in bed I’m okay. That medication will wear off sooner rather than later. Not comfortable but okay. I was taking vicodin but the side effects were pretty bad so I quit. I’ve had three second opinions and they all say, "well, if you can live in that amount of pain then don’t have a second microdiscectomy." Essentially, all of the doctors, An MD, a doctor of Orthopedics and a Neurologist all said the same thing, "if it were me, I’d have the second operation." But here’s what I’m looking at, if I have a second operation and the disc herniates again (which I am now more likely to do given that I’ve reherniated once) I will have to have a disc replacement or a fusion. Naturally a fusion (the old school operation) is what my insurance covers. The more effective but also newer technique of disc replacement is not covered by Blue Cross. I’m way ahead of myself. I might not reherniate. I have a 92% to 80% chance that I’ll be fine. But my mind can’t accept that. I’m trying to figure out how I’ll pay $60K for a disc replacement operation my insurance won’t cover that I probably won’t need in the first place.

I was so optimistic before the first surgery. I was so certain that this was the right decision. And it was (sort of). Now I’m certain that the worst will happen. I can’t stop myself from going to the worst case scenario. A fusion. One rarely hears fusion stories that turn out well.
Last night I woke up twice having panic attacks. I’m sort of a pro at panic attacks so I can brush them off and go back to sleep after half an hour, but that adrenal rush at 4AM is zero fun. D and I had a big long talk about what the future looks like. It looks like him taking care of me. It looks like him doing all the work while I do nothing but rest. It looks like him paying more than his share of the bills. I hope he doesn’t grow to resent me. I imagine myself living on a medicare bed in my mom’s living room for twenty years then going into a nursing home at sixty.

Had I known, what I know now, I would have gotten an MRI right away. I would have gone for conservative treatment with a steroid epidural. Yes, the first herniation was huge — way huger than most but I have a large spinal canal. It could have worked. I bet it would have worked. But there’s no way of knowing any of that. And if I had gotten an MRI back in January they all would have said "surgery" and I would have done it and voila. Maybe I wouldn’t have reherniated. Who can say? 
The point is right now i’m about as low as I get. Since being diagnosed with a reherniation I’ve been crying pretty much every day and just throwing the most lavish pity party. My tendency toward clinical depression doesn’t help. First I get obsessive thoughts (I’ll be the worst case scenario) then I can’t focus. Then I lose my appetite and then I’m in bed crying all day. I’ve lost about ten pounds in two weeks. Everyone tells me, "you’re going to be fine." The doctor I saw yesterday said "This isn’t the end of the world. You’ll be fine." I just don’t believe it myself.
In ten days 11/30 I’m scheduled for my repeat microdiscectomy at Cedars. My doctor says that once he’s in there he’ll have a better assessment of my chances. If the situation calls for it he’ll attempt to repair the disc in a way that might reduce the likelihood of reherniation.
After the surgery I’m going to be on lockdown for three months. After the first surgery, I felt better, I was doing stuff. I drove, picked up groceries, was walking 3 miles a day. There are 2 schools of thought. "Live your life" post surgery and "NO BENDING, LIFTING TWISTING." I’m going to be in the second camp this time. I probably will quit teaching. I’ll spend most days doing very little. I’ll be very careful for the first three months, following to the letter. If I get a cold I will stifle every sneeze, repress every cough. For the second three months I will be guarded. Still no bending, lifting, twisting but I’ll probably be able to sit for half an hour. I’ll probably be able to walk about a mile and I’ll start therapy. I need a good six months of slow recovery and then proper lifting technique for life. I’ll need to be as guarded as possible about my back for the rest of my life and Pilates will be involved in strengthening my core.
The rest of my life I have a patched tire that’s blown out twice. The prognosis is good by all accounts. I’m just scared I’m in that percentage for whom it all goes to shit. I’m scared that at 41 my life is about to be ruined. That for the rest of my life I’ll be in pain.
On the way home from the second doctor I consulted for a second opinion I got a call from the executives at Warner Brothers about this half our TV pilot B and I wrote. They love it. They want to get us in to NBC, ABC and FOX after Thanksgiving. I just started laughing. What are the odds?  I tried to imagine myself running a show while on my six month lock down. Will they let me have a bed in my office? Could I work from home? Could B handle the production end of things and I’d just focus on the script? I’m getting ahead of myself. We haven’t sold the show. But if we did, at least I’d have my disc replacement paid for.
Everyone says, "you’ll be fine." "You’ll get your life back." I wish I could believe it.