not good with uncertainty

If there’s one thing I know about myself it’s that I’m not good with uncertainty. All of life is uncertainty, of course, but we go along fairly certain of the day to day outcome. We sort of know what to expect. And then a thing like this happens and the rug is pulled out from under one’s self. Children of divorce, children of alcoholics, children of chaotic homes often grow up to become adults who crave certainty. Or control. Control freak? Yes. That would be me. And here I am — not in control of what is happening to my body. I’m doing everything I can to give my body the best chance possible but I’m not in control. And I never really was.
Today was a better day than yesterday. Each day I feel a little better. Today I had a test of my nerve conductivity to see how well the leg is holding up with all this pressure on my sciatic nerve. The doctor said it was doing excellent. On a scale of one to ten the nerve compression is about a 1. We’ll see how I’m doing in a few months. That may tell us if pressure has come off the nerve, or if there is any damage happening. D’s cooking so as I type this the smoke detector is going off. Seriously. Poor guy. Walked in the door and I handed dinner off to him. It hurts to stand for too long and I’d been standing a while.
In the elevator going to my appointment was a woman with Parkinson’s Disease. Now there’s a rug being pulled out from under someone. And she seemed pretty okay about it. I have this fairly common thing going on with me. This thing that all the doctors have said "you’re going to be fine" and to me it’s like — certain doom. Wheel chair. Chronic pain. Poverty. A life reduced to ruins. That’s where my head goes when I don’t gently mind it. I have so many knots in my back right now. Muscle spasms. Pains in my shoulders and running down my arm. I thought, "Oh great, I’ve herniated my cervical disc’s as well." It’s stress. And it’s also from working in bed.
I’m having a special desk designed. One I can lay under like an auto mechanic. My computer monitor will be parallel to the floor. I’ll be able to work while on my back without straining my neck.
I’m teaching a class tomorrow. This ought to be interesting. At least I’m lucid. The last class I taught I was so high on Vicodin, frankly it was dangerous for me to even have driven there. I didn’t realize how messed up I was. Now I’m just on tylenol so you know. Or Advil — I switch them out Liver versus Immune system. Who will be the first to drop.
Alright bitches. I’m out of here. D just announced "it’s as ready as it will ever be." (regarding dinner). Oh, and I’m totally trying to get a psychiatrist to prescribe me Effexor. Anyone take that?