in florida, where faces are eaten

I arrived in Tampa on Friday. My mother has been grousing that I don’t visit. I spent two weeks with her in May so it was time for a return visit. When I booked my trip I naively hoped that by the time I arrived Gillum would have been elected. Florida never fails to fail. I lived in Miami in earnest from 1979 to 1987. Prime murder years for Miami. On a trip to visit my mom in 1990 I was stabbed a few blocks from my old high school, Miami Sunset Sr. While home for the summer before starting a year abroad in Germany, I rode out Hurricane Andrew in my mom’s walk in closet surrounded by boxes of shoes and mattresses. I found a body in a car in the mid 80’s. My friend around the corner murdered his parents in ’82. The day we moved to Miami a group of drug dealers had a machine gun battle at the mall across the street from our hotel. I don’t actually have any positive memories of Florida. I’m trying hard here — but it has been a constant disappointment.

California, on the other hand, is the place you ought to be. Even consumed by wildfires, California is 1 million times more appealing than Florida. I flew out just as Malibu was bursting into flames. No es bueno.

Bored, bored, bored. My mom lives in Tampa now. Which is an upgrade from South Florida. Sure, your face might get eaten off in Tampa, but it’s 30% less likely. I know that the Florida Man situation is a product of the state’s punitive “Sunshine Laws” — an attempt by one of the Republicans to shame criminals in the press — that just resulted in shaming Florida. Nevertheless, there is a certain quality down here. It’s not like the desert rats of Joshua Tree, who truly are terrifying people. But the burnt up and burnt out quality you see on the faces of most in Florida. I tried to talk my mom in going with me to the middle school an hour east of here where two girls, 12 and 13, plotted the satanic ritual murder of their classmates in the girls restroom. They brought with them a cache of knives, including a pizza wheel, to do their killing. They didn’t manage to deep dish murder any of their peers before they were caught. I’m glad they didn’t lay hands on any of the no-doubt dozens of unsecured guns laying around their respective households.

My big outing today was to Home Depot to purchase caulking for my mother’s tub. I also picked up a light bulb that has a laser in its dome to project red dots on the ceiling. A novelty item for kids I guess — who want to feel like the Terminator is targeting them. Anyhow, I installed it in my mom’s bedside lamp. She’s in for a surprise tonight. Every time I visit I have some sort of motion activated/light based prank for her. It’s a wonder she still wants me to visit.