1982 – 1983

May — Probably one of my weirdest birthdays ever. I’ve been going to physical therapy but I’m still walking with crutches. My leg is healing slowly but there’s this giant part that’s open where you can see my shin bone. I wear bandages, walk with crutches and go to school on the phone. For my birthday I had a slumber party and Barry gave me these posters of various sports stars you color in with markers. Anyhow, on the poster for Bruce Jenner he drew a gash on his leg just like mine. I was pretty upset about it.

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June — I got to go back to school a little bit before the end of the year. I liked phone school. It was actually really good. I mean I’d put on the Richard Simmons Show with the volume off and take classes. It’s the first time in my life I’ve gotten straight A’s. Even in math. I didn’t have it nearly as bad as the other kids in my phone class. Some of them were dying so… you know… perspective!

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July — My dad wants me to come visit him in Oklahoma this summer. UGH! Again? I just recovered from my last visit and I have a huge, still un-healed gash on my right leg. One of the crazy things about this wound is that it crusts over with this orange fluid that has to be washed off gently with Betadine every day. My bandage bill is out of control. I’ve gotten really good at changing my bandages but still — my mom is constantly replenishing the stock. The other day I touched the spot where you can see my shin bone with a paperclip to see if I felt anything. Duh! It’s bone, so no.

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August — I’m getting back to normal almost. I can walk without crutches. My right foot will never have the same range of motion as my left. Also, my right leg, because of the way the shin bones were set after they fractured will always look a little weird and be about half an inch longer than my left leg. Other than that… Ha ha ha ha! On the bright side, one hundred years ago this probably would have killed me. I would have lost my leg at the very least. My dad says I don’t have to come visit this summer which is great!

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September — one of the nice things about having a horrible leg wound is you can use it to get out of everything. Like P.E. For example. I have to take PE But I don’t have to participate. So I’ve just been sitting on the sidelines whenever they play kickball or what the hell ever. Instead of just sitting there, though, I’ve decided to train for the Presidential Medal of Physical Fitness. I am going to win that thing because it has a ribbon and there’s a medal with a picture of John F. Kennedy on it.

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October — I think at 13 I’m too old to go trick-or-treating but this year I set up a gruesome window display in my bedroom. When kids come by I yank open the curtains to reveal a blood spattered murder scene. I have a strobe light as well so it looks really crazy. My plan is to make it so scary that most of the kids will avoid our house and I can keep the candy for myself.

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November — I got in trouble with the Calusa Estates Home Owners Association because they said my Halloween display was violent and un-Christian. They had been trying hard to get Halloween banned in our neighborhood on the grounds of it being a Satanic holiday and I may have inadvertently given them some ammunition. My mom reminded them that there was an actual murder around the corner from our house and that maybe the problem in Miami wasn’t Halloween decorations but rather everyone being armed to the teeth with guns and high on drugs.

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December — I wonder if there’s a connection to my fascination with gory movies and the fact that my leg got ripped open in a horrible accident. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I had a friend kill his whole family and I live in the murder capital of the U.S.? Since Halloween I’ve gotten into staging crime scenes at home. I found a bunch of un-used police tape left over from a shoot out that happened at the ABC Liquors last week and have been randomly stretching it across people’s doors in my neighborhood. It’s hilarious when they come home from work and see POLICE — CRIME SCENE tape across their front door. I usually watch from a tree or across the street as they freak out! Good times!

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January — my dad found my collection of Fangoria magazines and flipped out on me. UGH! He’s so awful. He was visiting for Christmas, which totally sucks and I was watching “Creepshow” on the Movie Channel and he got so pissed off about it all. I tried to explain to him that I wanted to go into special effects when I grow up and was showing him an interview with Tom Savini about Dawn of the Dead and he just lost it! They’re turning off the cable and I’m not allowed to watch any more R rated movies. It’s like they haven’t even heard of videotape.

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February — Oh, so get this, there’s a girl at school who likes me. So I guess I have a girlfriend? I dunno. I’m not into it but I like that people leave me alone about having a girlfriend. She’s kind of a bit wild though and always wants to make out. It’s fine. Her mom is cool. She took me to see Italian language movies at Miami Dade Community College. Her mom has big, craft fair jewelry and listens to Opera. We get along. She told me she knows her daughter is safe with me and that I’m a good influence. I can see how that’s true. Like when Julia tried to get me to smoke pot and I told her about brain chemistry and the effect of drugs on a developing mind. I have a hard enough time in math as it is!

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March — Julia broke up with me. Which makes sense. She met this other guy who’s like kind of ratty and got sent to Juvie for vandalizing cars. I’m kind of glad she broke up with me to be honest. It was a lot of work and while I liked her as a friend, I didn’t want to do all the stuff. Like sex stuff? I’m not old enough! It’s crazy. So voila! Life is much easier now.

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April — guess who won the presidential medal for physical fitness!? ME! My dad is actually proud of me. Weird right? The PE coach was PISSED because I don’t play sports and so when I blew all his star players out of the water on pull-ups and the 50 yard dash he kind of freaked out and started yelling at me because now more kids want to stop playing kick ball and just train like I do. (Everyone hates kickball except the jocks). I had to get a doctor’s note saying that my leg is really vulnerable to injury and I am exempt from team sports. So now the PE coach figured out a way to get me removed from PE altogether which is fine with me. I get to go to the library instead of being outside having my hair frizz up.