1974 – 1975

I’m FIVE! This many. 🖐 Can you stand it. I got to go skating again for my birthday. Love the roller rinks. We have two in town. My mom made a cake that had pennies in it. So you had to eat really slow in order to find the pennies. Which was neat! There were also those silver balls on the cake — I love those things and would like to have them on everything. I got a slinky, some dumb clothes, a bunch of coloring books and a set of scented markers. I love my scented markers!

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Susan’s birthday was with her softball team. She’s really into it. Beats me. I’ve been taking swimming lessons which I like okay. It’s not terrible. There’s this thing that happens when you stay in the pool for a really long time. You start to see a rainbow around all the lights. I wonder why that is. Mom says it has something to do with chlorine? We’re going to Georgia this summer — driving the whole way and then we’ll be staying there for my grandparent’s 50th anniversary.

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There are not as many fireworks in Georgia as there are in Oklahoma for Fourth of July. Just another way that Georgia is disappointing. However, My aunt Marilene lives in a very glamorous apartment in Atlanta and she has a pool. Her roommate BJ has a dog named “Patches” and she is allowed inside! I got to sleep with the dog in my bed. It was amazing. The one thing I don’t like, though is my Aunts and Uncles all get really drunk all the time. It’s fun driving around in my Uncle’s Cadillac — he sells them in Atlanta. But the ashes from their cigarettes come flying into the back seat and I’ve already been burned a bunch of times.

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Summer is almost over. We drove back from Georgia and dad was really grouchy the whole time. He kept saying he was going to pull the station wagon over and beat our asses on the side of the road. I’d like him to try! There are police going up and down the highway all the time and he’s got an open beer in the front seat. I mean I’m only five, I can’t read or tell time, but I know that you’re not supposed to have beer while you’re driving. When we got back to Bartelsville we caught fireflies in the back yard and had Swanson’s TV dinners while watching Welcome Back Kotter. Why is everyone so poor on TV? Seriously, Laverne and Shirley live in a dump. Sanford and Son live in an actual dump. Rhoda lives in hell. The Brady Bunch has a nice house but there’s only one bathroom for six kids!

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First grade started and it turns out I’m WAY behind everyone else. Like, I am the only one who doesn’t already know how to read. I don’t know the alphabet. I can only do basic addition. I had to go into the principal’s office and lay the letters of the alphabet out on the floor. When I was done I had about six extra letters. The principal asked me where those letters went and I told him they were left overs. He did not like that answer. There was an actual wooden paddle hanging on the wall — I’d heard about that. I guess I’d better figure out how to read and write. Dad’s been in a worse mood than ever because President Nixon quit. He said that Nixon should have just lied about what he did and refused to resign. My dad actually wants the president to be a crook. So weird.

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So my mom is teaching me how to read. We started with these Dick and Jane books which are TEDIOUS! These kids are so boring and they look like they’re from the 1920’s. This is what kids looked like when Herbert Hover was president? No wonder they called it the Great Depression — yesh! And their dog’s name is “Spot.” Well that’s original. When I get my own dog I’m going to name her Lamona after my favorite character on Good Times — an ironically named show about poor people. (Seriously, what’s with all the poor people on TV?) This year for Halloween I’m going as the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. Mom is going to let me check the book out of the library once I finish all the Dick and Jane books.

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Okay, it’s November and I just finished reading the Wizard of Oz on my own. I love reading! Why didn’t they teach me how to do this sooner? My parents are so lazy! But to be honest, I’d rather have teacher show me how to do stuff than my dad. He’s all mean and bossy about it. Like when he was trying to teach me how to tie my shoes — I thought I was going to get a spanking because I couldn’t do it right away. Sometimes I’ll sing the theme song to “Good Times” just because I know my dad hates that show so much. I try not to get on his bad side but everyone says I have a really good singing voice so he has to shut up and let me.

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I stayed up with the Fetters to watch the ball drop in Times Square. Their kids, Todd and Lisa are the same age as me and Susan. Todd has a strobe light in his room — pretty much the coolest thing ever. We put on the strobe light and listened to a bunch of K-Tel Disco albums. His mom has this thing called a “slenderizer” which is the vibrating belt thing you put around your waist to… I have no idea. We took turns singing Disco Duck while hooked up to the slenderizer in the glow of the strobe light. Best New Year’s ever. Not a single adult either. They were all downstairs getting black out drunk!

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You know what’s amazing? Colorforms — the vinyl cartoons you peel and stick onto various vinyl backgrounds. Also Shrinky Dinks. My next door neighbors Lori and Sherri have a ton of these things. When my parents are fighting I’ll go over to Sherri’s room and hang out with her. She has a Barbie Make Me Pretty wash and set. We styled her hair to make it look like Cher when she has the BIG hair. I wanted to ask for a boa for my birthday but Susan says I’ll get in trouble if I do. I don’t know why but she’s always right so I’m going to listen to her.

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My dad is in Saudi Arabia for like six weeks. He’ll be back in mid April. I mention all of this because I finally got to see what his secret magazines are all about. SO GROSS! It’s all these naked ladies and they have — I don’t even know what I’m looking at between their legs. It’s like some kind of moss or something? Wow. Officially, adults are weird. It turns out I didn’t have to go up as high as the shelf where he keeps the rifle in his closet. There are a bunch of these magazines stored under the sink in his bathroom. His bathroom has something called “flocked wallpaper.” It’s silver foil with red velvet paisleys all over it. I want my whole life covered in flocked wallpaper.

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Dad came back from Saudi Arabia early. He didn’t bring us anything because he had to take an emergency flight out of the country and all his luggage got left at the hotel. I didn’t hear all the details but there was some kind of fight at the hotel? Some guy with a machine gun? It sounded really crazy. My dad told my mom something about the CIA — like he did something for them even though he works for an oil company. I don’t know what the CIA is exactly but maybe he better not be friends with them anymore. It’s made him more shaky than usual and he’s drinking a lot now. I’m thinking about having a slumber party for my birthday this year. I wonder if my friends will want to play “light as a feather?”