1973 -1974

Well it’s May and I’m four years old. I had a cowboy themed cake this time. Chocolate — it’s just what I wanted. My dad had what we’re calling a fake heart attack. It was a stress induced cardiac event but in about 20 years it will be easier to understand that this was all anxiety related. Dad’s back from the hospital and he’s in a foul mood all the time now. The dog, Rusty, avoids him when he goes into the yard. Preschool is almost done for the year. It’s okay. I liked it more when it first started. Next year I’ll be going to Kindergarten and that’s where all the big kids go. Susan says that I’m going to hate it.

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Susan had a cowgirl themed cake for her birthday. I think she’s copying me. She had a slumber party for her 7th birthday. They stayed up late and were not going to let me hang out with them. She kept kicking me out of her room. Finally they were all in the family room and I snuck in super early in the morning and convinced them to do “light as a feather” on me. They told a story about how I would die and then levitated me up to the ceiling using only one finger each to lift me. Then I kept floating and could touch the light fixture. When that happened they all started screaming and I fell back onto the green avocado shag rug.

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4th of July was not good this year because of rain. Mostly I’ve been bored, sitting around watching Tarzan movies and coloring. I really enjoy Tarzan movies. His body makes me feel funny. We stayed up and watched the late, late show with our baby sitter. It was a black and white movie about a crawling hand. That movie freaked me out — I’m still freaked out just thinking about it. I don’t know how to explain it — but there was this chopped off hand that was running around strangling people to death. I’m pretty much convinced it’s going to crawl into bed with me and kill me.

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A very strange thing happened. Mom and dad were fighting again. Like before his fake heart attack. I woke up to the sounds of them yelling in the other room. Dad used some words I’ve never heard before, but I get the sense they were really bad. Mom was crying and ran off to their room and slammed the door. I stayed up listening to him knocking stuff around in the kitchen. Then finally it stopped. I got up to investigate. The TV was on but it was just color bars. Dad was asleep on the couch. I went into the kitchen then turned on the stove top burners. All four of them. After that I went out and sat on the lawn. A few minutes later mom came and got me. When she picked me up I asked her, “is it hot?” I have no idea why I did any of this.

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Kindergarten is pretty great. Susan was wrong. We sing songs and color and get to go to school with the big kids. I even get to walk to school now — which is amazing since Susan and I go to the same place: Hoover Elementary. I was very excited when they told me it was called Hoover. I thought maybe it was named for the vacuum cleaner but it turns out it was named after President Herbert Hoover, who is famous for being terrible. My mom told me that when people were starving he poured milk into the streets to keep the prices high. So why did my town name the elementary school after him? Stupid if you ask me.

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It’s Halloween time again. I wanted to dress as Herbert Hoover but it was too complicated so I’m going to dress as a ghost. That’s an easy costume. Mom’s taking us trick or treating. Dad already said he is not interested. He’s kind of checked out of all the fun stuff. He doesn’t want to do anything I want to do. Plus he’s still trying to make me care about the sports. Football, baseball, — anytime someone’s throwing a ball around he needs to know about it. He’ll sit with an earplug running to his transistor radio, drinking Coors and smoking Newports all day long. Also, my dad gets a magazine that comes in a brown paper wrapper. He keeps them on the shelf in the closet next to his rifle. I’m totally going to see what this is all about.

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We’re not having family over for Turkey day! Lucky, lucky! Dad pitched a fit because mom’s parents were going to come. This is one thing I agree on, my mom’s parents are not cool. His mom is fun and nice but I get the sense that she’s crazy. Mom’s parents are both nice enough but they’re kind of gross. They freak me out when they eat. I can’t talk about it — it’s like on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom when they show animals eating. But instead of it being cute — it’s grandma with corn nibbles all over her face. Am I a bad person because I don’t really like my grandparents. Also, dad says we can’t have a whole Thanksgiving feast. He says mom and Susan are getting fat. I hope I don’t get fat because he makes it seem like the worst thing in the world.

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I like New Year’s Eve more than Christmas. You get all the lights and decorations but you don’t have church. What’s with the painful shoes and church? There’s one thing I like about going to church, we pass the town water tanks on our way there. They’re huge! One tank has the word “cold” painted on it and the other tank has the word “hot” painted on it. I can’t read yet but Susan told me about it. I don’t really know why I need to learn to read except it would be nice to understand the TV Guide.

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January is freezing this year. Today it was nineteen degrees below zero. Snow and ice everywhere. We still had to go to school. It’s not like sub zero temperatures are going to stop us. But because it’s so cold we’ve been sleeping with extra blankets. At night there are sparks of electricity in them. I had a very strange thing happen the other night. I woke up and my blankets had formed a kind of cave next to me in bed. There were sparks of light coming from inside the cave — static electricity, right? I reached my hand in to touch the sparks because they’re ticklish — anyhow, the crawling hand was in there and it grabbed my hand and pulled me in.

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We learned about Abraham Lincoln in Kindergarten because it is his birthday this month. Apparently when he was a kid, he played this prank on his parents. Abe and his brother decided that they’d put footprints on the ceiling in their parents room. So Abe dipped his feet in paint then his brother held him upside down and Abe walked across his parents ceiling. Now, if Susan and I did this neither of us would grow up to become president because my dad would, for real, kill us. In class we dipped our feet in paint and walked along long strips of paper. I hung mine in my room over my bed.

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My dad spends a lot of time yelling at the TV. Usually it’s about football but lately it’s been about the president. I can’t really follow it but it sounds like he did something and now he’s in trouble. President Nixon — figures that guy would get in trouble. He’s got a rat face. My dad is really upset about it all because he worked on his campaign. So it turns out my dad really does not like black people. I do not get this at all. Sesame Street says we’re all equal. Also at church they talk about how Jesus loves the little children — be they yellow, black or white, they are precious in His sight. But my dad said that Nixon was going to fix all that and now he’s in trouble. Well, if you ask me, I’m glad he’s in trouble. Also, I’m starting to realize that I can’t trust my dad. He’s mean to my mom and sister. The dog avoids him. He yells all the time and he contradicts Sesame Street. Like, if he weren’t my dad would I even want to know him?

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April means more tornados. Really crazy ones now. I woke up in the closet with Susan, mom and dad. Mom was genuinely scared. She isn’t usually worried about tornados but this time she started crying. Then I started crying and Susan started — which made dad yell. He had the radio in there and was listening to updates. I kept asking about our dog, Rusty — what happens to him if the tornado hits us? No one would tell me. At least dad doesn’t smoke when we’re in the tornado closet. He loves to smoke when we’re in the car. Next month I’ll be five. It’s the last year I can count how old I am on one hand. Five sounds so grown up!