The most painful thing I went through was divorce. Well not really the divorce, I never loved my husband but that another complicated story.

The divorce was painful because I had so much trauma that I had never acknowledged until divorced opened up those wounds.

I realized I had abandonment issues, anger, issues, and attachment issues.

My mother was a single mother and was verbally and physically abusive my whole life. After I got divorced she turned her back on me and blamed me for it falling apart. Told me no one would ever love me again because I’m difficult to love he would be the only person to love me.

I had no one to fall back on I was all alone. No family. No immediate family.

My family stopped talking to me when I was 15 because I finally admitted I was molested by a family member and everyone said I was just a slut and a liar.

That is why my divorce was painful. All these feelings of feeling unloved and unworthy crept up on me out of nowhere. I didnt know how to stop myself from feeling like I was a piece of shit and should just end my life. I couldn’t understand at that time that it wasnt my marriage that was hard but it was all this trauma resurfacing that I had no control over.

I was put on antipsychotic medication but it made me feel like a zombie.

So instead i decided to go to therapy and faced all the fucked up shit from my child.

I also started reading psychology books and that I must say has been the most helpful. It helped me understand myself and how the trauma affected me my whole adult life.

This painful experience taught me that it’s ok to be alone and heal yourself without anyone’s help. The process was a little longer but I did it.

I’m proud of myself and the person i have become today.

#totw68