What I Really Want

For those who have read the entry, “What I Really Want”, what I’m posting is the EXACT same entry in it’s entirity. Otherwise, enjoy.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with Liz when she told me she had a new diary name. The diary name was published but she didn’t want me to read it. Our diary friend, HappilyMarriedCouple, has her new name on the drop down menu. I perused the faves on that menu and discovered Liz. I did not read anything on her diary except what was on the front page. I saw, “I love you” on the front page and that got me to thinking about what I really want; what came next made me kinda depressed.

I was thinking of how it feels to be loved and have someone to love. (Before I go any further, I do not want this entry to be one of those, ‘I want a g/f’ type b/c: A)I already have one, and B)sometimes, having just a g/f isn’t enough to fully satisfy you). I can’t really describe in words what I want, but I will relate the experiences I had with Liz to help relay my thoughts.

With Liz, I knew that around 11 p.m., she would be on and we would play around and talk about serious stuff; some of the stuff we talked about includes her past, my past, our future plans, and whatever else we felt like talking about. Time flew by sooo quickly, but I did not want to get off until after she got off. Sometimes, we would be up until close to 3. Keep in mind that she had to get up at 6 something to go to work, and I had school to think of going to–we lost lots of sleep hehe. I really enjoyed talking to her at night because I got to know her more. On the flip side, she got to know me more on that level. That is one of the things I really want.

I also want the “total package” in a relationship. The phsyical aspect–hand holding, kissing–is great, but sometimes, that has no meaning. When Liz and I were friends recently, we cuddled but it didn’t mean as much b/c we weren’t dating. One time, she was down here and she was in my arms; I could smell her breathing through her nose and just loved having her there. I would remember saying ‘I love you’ softly and she would say it back or whisper, ‘I know’. Other times, I’d say ‘baby’ and she would look up and we would kiss. Or the time when I got up and brushed my teeth, I greeted her with a kiss. Having just a g/f for the physical aspects robs the b/f of a meaningful embrace. When the mental aspect of the relationship is there, the physical part multiplies tremendously. I remember us laying together by the fire and just talking. She was great with Amber and Aerial and they loved her as well. The time I was at her house playing Sega Genesis was a great evening. It was fun hearing her laugh and enjoying her kisses every now and then.

I also enjoyed being romantic with her.

One time, I gve her my N64 b/c I loved her. That’s something I would love to experience again. I feel great knowing what I want. I do not want to just have a g/f so I can tell people ‘hey, I have a g/f’. I’m dating Lexi right now but it’s casual dating. I’m happy so far but it’s not the same as having someone like liz around. Now, I’m not comparing the two because I’m treating Lexi in a different way. Rather, what I’m posting is something that I hope eventually happens. It would be great if a few months down the road I could talk about how great [insert g/f’s name here] is to me and how we’re planning to meet at such and such time at such and such place, but it may not happen; it could happen a year from now, two years, even five years from now. What I listed is what I want and I hope someone out there embodies these characteristics.

Oh and Liz, thanks for helping me to figure out what I truly want. Also, thanks for those times we shared. All of those memories burn bright in my mind and I shall never forget them. Lastly, thanks for being the best I’ve had.