Chapter 3: Butterflies in Flight

Victor and I met while my boyfriend was in jail. At the time, I was depressed and insecure about myself. I figured that Sean’s going to jail was my fault. To atone for my actions, I shied away from guys and most of my friends. My schoolwork had suffered; I was grounded from practically every luxury you could think of: computer, cell phone, watching television, and going out. I was too depressed to care about being grounded in the first place. Hell, why should I even be concerned with schoolwork if my boyfriend has been put in jail, and I couldn’t do a damn thing to save him?

Schoolwork was none of my concern. While in class, I stared straight ahead, oblivious to my surroundings. I remember going to detention. I was thinking to myself, why should I care? I mean my goodness, my boyfriend was in jail and here I am free. Why couldn’t I help him? I thought to myself. During lunch, I would try not to sit in the where my friends used to sit. Instead, I would sometimes go to the bathroom and just cry. Other times, I would sit as far away from everyone I could. How could they be so happy? What were they laughing about? I was truly miserable. If my friends came up to me and asked me how I was doing, I would plaster on a fake smile and say, “I’m fine.” I continued the act by asking them how they were doing and stuff like that. Usually, no one would pick up the fact that I was faking. After all, I get my acting skills from watching movies and television shows. There was only one person who didn’t believe my fake persona, Troy.

Troy is a very loyal friend to me. In fact, we have known each other for a very long time. It was a coincidence that he and Victor were also very good friends. Anyway, even though I vowed not to talk to guys, I couldn’t help but talk to Troy because Troy has been there for me through the good times and the bad. There were times when I would treat him like a jerk and pretend that I didn’t need him. It didn’t occur to me how close I came to losing him in my life. He was the kind that didn’t follow the popular crowd. Don’t get me wrong, he is popular but he still hangs out with people who dwell on the bottom of the totem pole. He also takes no crap from anyone. If you were on his shit list, you were on it for good—which is unless you cause him to change his mind and that didn’t happen too often.

One day, he offered to drive me home because my car was in the shop and I didn’t have a ride. I took up on his offer and I got in his car. After I climbed in, I clicked my seat belt into place. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Troy hadn’t placed the key in the ignition.

He was staring at me.

“Claudia?” he asked. I immediately knew why he wanted me in his car.

“If it’s about Sean, then forget it!” I yelled.

“God damn it Claudia, will you just take a minute to consider what you are doing to yourself,” his eyes pierced through my mask. I could tell my arguing wasn’t going to get me out of the situation. There was something else about him that made him

“What is it you want Troy?”

“Look, you may not believe what I’m saying, but Sean is an abuser. He abuses you, he lies to you, chews you up and spits you out. Your grades are slipping, you refuse to talk to your friends. Hell, I almost thought about giving up our friendship. It’s not rocket science. Everyone hates your boyfriend.” I played with my hands.

“You think you can plaster on a fake smile and expect everyone to believe you’re doing “just fine”. I knew a long time ago you were faking. In fact, almost all of your friends know you are miserable. Since you didn’t want to admit to that, we all decided not to hang with you anymore. You were fun to hang out with at first, but now we, my friends and I, hate to hang around you. We were glad that Sean was arrested and gone to jail; we hoped that would have knocked some common sense into you. When it didn’t, we just left you alone. No one liked the new you. In fact, we hated it.” I continued playing with my hands as tears began running down my face.

“And another thing. You’ve lost precious time with your karate. You should have been a second degree black belt right now.” The tears started to flow more quickly now because I knew he was right. “Since you’ve neglected karate, I wouldn’t be surprised if the instructor decided to give up on you.” The tears flowed with more frequency. I buried my face in my hands. “Look at you, you have no self-confidence; you have no dignity; and you sure as hell don’t have what it takes to pull yourself back together.” Something inside of me snapped. I don’t know what it was but I felt stronger.

I looked at him.

I slapped his face.

Hard.

That conversation ignited a fire in me. I was determined to shed my mask and begin rebuilding my life again. Troy was correct that I should have gotten my second degree earlier. The test was last week. Right now, I had six months to prepare for the next test. I vowed to myself that I would be ready.

I began studying and doing my homework as soon as I got home. I paid attention in class; I took notes; I asked questions. On weekends, I spent my time studying whereas everyone else was out having fun. To me, “fun” meant spending time studying the Battle of 1812, or learning how osmosis works. I saw a dramatic increase in my grades. My parents were thrilled. They told me that I was off restriction to which I vehemently refused. I was determined to make the most of my situation to turn myself around.

My friends saw that I was more lively and chipper while at school. I was able to make eye contact with all of my friends. My friends couldn’t wait to see me. In fact, they would call me to see what I was doing on the weekends and everything. My life was coming back together!

There was still one area in which I was very insecure of—being around guys. Even though I started my transformation in March of my sophomore year, I was still afraid of being around guys, especially knowing that Sean would get out of jail soon. When Victor and I met, I felt something inside of me when our eyes met in one fleeting moment. Frightened by the presence, I quickly ran into the classroom to begin class.

When I talked to Troy Monday, he told me things about Victor that appealed to me. He said Victor is a listener, has a great sense of humor, built for his size, down-to-earth, and romantic. The next night, I went back to karate and I saw Victor towards the back of the lounge. He smiled at me and I waved. I still felt uneasy about Victor because of what happened with Sean. He walked up to me and introduced himself.

“Hey there! My name is Victor. What’s your name?”

“Umm…I don’t think this is a good idea, but my name is Claudia.” I shook his hand. “Oh man, I got to go,” I whisked away into the sanctuary of the classroom.

The next day, Troy told me he was disappointed in me and that I should lighten up. Troy didn’t understand what I went through with Sean. It’s hard to just open up to a totally new guy and fall in love. What if he turned into another Sean? I just could not take the chance.

One night, I was doing my homework when the phone rang. Usually, hardly anyone calls me in the evening time because they know that I am hard at work with schoolwork. I was also surprised to hear that Victor called me.