Just a Memory

I have a friend whose name is not required. I have had an anger about her for a long time that I have accumulated an iota. I’m going to pour out my heart to you now.
I have been suffering from misophonia for 6 years and have been going to psychologist and psychiatry for 2 years. I also have a friend whom I love very much, who sees it as a piece of myself and is always with her. We were friends with this friend in the first 3 years of my illness. Every time I tried to pour my heart out to her, she listened a little and then immediately tells she about her own troubles. she never wanted to be judged, she wanted to be accepted as he was (which I accepted him as always and never judged him even if I said his mistake) but he always judged me and humiliated me in society. Judgments such as “You dress like a man”, “If you cut your hair like that, you will not be able to talk to me again” etc. She was constantly guiding me. Drink your tea slowly, talk like this, do like this, etc.
Anyway, one day I went out of town to visit relatives. We have a relative in city A and I have to visit my relative in city B. She said to me, “I want to visit Istanbul, make excuses to your relatives, come and go.” I ended my friendship with her saying that you are selfish.
Then, 2 years passed. My illness was very bad during this period. Since we haven’t spoken during this period, I don’t expect her to ask her to call. At the end of the 2nd year, we made peace with my step. I had forgotten the events then, until she reminded me of the same things again.

The year we made peace was a critical year for me. I made a lover for the first time, dropped out of my university and changed departments again, struggled with my illness, struggled with my self-esteem, struggled with my depression and anxiety, and on top of that, I struggled with her. She neither supported me nor anything else. In a conversation about my boyfriend, I did not tell him about my boyfriend, as a result of their judgment such as “You didn’t know about them”. When I talked about myself, I couldn’t explain myself because she turned the subject to himself. I listened to her, I always found her right, I always made concessions. I am wrong. She took care of her phone when I went to his house, when I came across her with herself. She justified herself even in a debate that I found herself 100% right. She exhausted me.
Do not order me, you are very rude, the wise person made judgments as if you understand me, you do not understand anything.
In spite of all this, when I tried to help her, because I gave an example from myself, because I said the truth to her face, I got angry once again when she blocked me and said to her “don’t remove that obstacle” from somewhere else.
Normally I am a person who speaks neither imperative nor rude, but I admit that I have given her orders for the first time. And let me add that, don’t perceive it as ego, I am a person smart enough to understand people.
She removed the barrier.
I’m sure he expects me to count this as a step and step into it, but it’s not a step and I’m not stupid enough to give a person a third chance.
Still, I want to stay hello and hello with her because I can’t hold a grudge and tire myself.
But you know, I understood this: She was a person who did not care about me at all …