Zechariah

I am so confused. I think Will and I are not good anymore. He came over last night, we drank wine and I made dinner (grilled cheese and roasted vegetables), we watched Mean Girls and started Love Actually and had sex and…. talked about ‘feelings.’ Feelings are basically the worst thing to happen to human beings because it just makes it so complicated. If everything was easy, I would be cool with it.

We both had the same sentiments which was basically: It’s fun and we like each other but there is just TOO MUCH there that can’t be ignored. Also, I can’t stop being alone. I am probably destined to be alone forever…. or so it seems. And this situation, in particular, is too heavy to take lightly. So if it’s not working, we shouldn’t continue it. I think. I don’t really know. We basically hit a crossroads during our conversation but neither of us wanted to make the decision or pull the plug or DTR (define the relationship). It ended with me saying, “Let’s just see what happens and not put too much pressure on ourselves.”

BUT THEN…. he left. At 5am. He got up and was rustling around and I, naked and wrapped up in blankets, asked what he was doing. “I’m going home, I am having trouble sleeping and just want to be in my own bed.” No big deal, right? Well it is a big deal. To me. I feel like that was his decision. He was probably extremely confused at my ramblings about not wanting to be in a relationship…. he mirrored those thoughts but could have been possibly saving face. Why would he say “I want to be with you” when all I’m saying is that I don’t want to be with anyone. Obviously he is going to pretend he feels the same way. Or maybe he does feel that way?

During our time together last night, I was facebook flirting with long-haired piano guy. Kind of. Dane called me out on one of his posts and said “Zechariah (seriously?! His name is Zechariah.) my friend Becky maybe wants to jump your bones.” Thanks Dane. Real nice.

Then I friended him…. results pending. Dane texted and said, “Zechariah (I CANNOT get over his name) thinks you’re very cute” – will you roll your eyes if I say, “DUH?!” Because DUH. I mean, he is cute but still going with my dating down scenario I know I could do better.

Although I thought I surpassed ‘cute’ – even Will told me last night how beautiful I am. You walk through life not really thinking about it but when someone points it out, how fucking amazing does that feel?! To be appreciated. I could get used to that.

Point is, I don’t think it’s going well. Between our convo and him leaving and me flat out pursuing long-haired piano guy, the dots aren’t connecting.

I feel absolutely fucking awful today. I am hungover and drank WAY too much over the weekend. Weekends like that only happen once a month or so, and are nearly impossible to get over. My eyes will barely stay open.

PS. The sex? I remember it. Very well. It hurt so fucking bad…. I was even bleeding. I clearly have not been sexually active lately. The last time I had proper sex before Will was in April. 8 months of celibacy. Involuntary. It was also good, though, in a way… lots of kissing and grabbing and holding and he tried to make me get on top but I just can’t do that. Baby steps. Not that it really matters now because I have a feeling that was the last time.

I cannot wait for 5pm so I can go home, lay in bed and fall asleep at 8pm. I think I may have gotten 4 hours of sleep last night, which is what happens when you have The Sex. Ugh it was good. I would like it again. Kthx.