Why the face *hangover edit

iPhone entry what what

I’m drunk. On my detox. That is how well that’s going in case you were wondering which I know you weren’t.

The food has been fine but I needed beer tonight.

I walked home and got a text "are you still down to have dinner and drinks with National Geographic tonight? I’ll pick you up!"

Well first of a lot of things, and PS this is an iPhone entry so everything you’re reading took me a lot of finger strokes (heyo), I’m on a detox so the only food I’m eating is what’s in my fridge. Hello. Where have you been. No bread or sugar or caffeine or anything. It sucks. I can’t eat regular food and I spent like a million bucks on food for this shit.

Second, no mention of this previously. Plus I thought I threw dinner off the table last week when we had a relationship crisis over the solo dinner that I invited myself to.

So I asked for drinks only. I could maybe swing that.

But then he calls me and insists that he told me about these plans and OBVIOUSLY I would’ve fucking remembered. It’s a trigger for me. I would’ve remembered.

Fuck it.

Long story short, I didn’t want to go, I couldn’t eat regular food, and I was pretty sure I didn’t want to go at all. Detoxes are difficult on the psyche and bad moods happen.

So he recruited Dave to dinner. I honestly don’t know if he really went. I’m skeptical but I asked Paco to promise and that’s all I can do.

Paco said, I will come to you straight after dinner, after I drop Dave off, I’ll be there around 9:30.

So at 8:45 I texted asking what the happs were. At 9:10 he responds "at a Scottish bar! We’re leaving after these drinks."

Um.

So I said, "not sure why you said you’d come over right after dinner when…. You’re not."

No response.

I hate all of this just FYI.

I don’t even know what to do.

But I can tell you I’m not happy…. And that means something.

 

** ediiitttttt since i’m hungover and procrastinating at work

 

As time went on last night I got more and more angry and therefore drank more and more beers. I mindfully drank a lot of water and some ResQ waters (not part of the detox) but still said "FUCK" when my alarm went off this morning. Because I did not want to wake up.

 

So a clarifying note, one that made me roll my eyes last night… Paco said that he was going to ask National Geographic if just drinks would be okay, instead of dinner, because I wasn’t thinking I wanted to go.

He called me back and said, "So, National Geographic doesn’t have any food at her house, and has to way to get food, so she was counting on going to dinner to eat…" 

Are you fucking kidding me?!

I know she’s just visiting, and staying at someone’s house, but fuck, man. There are ways to acquire food that don’t have to do with going to dinner with MY BOYFRIEND.

 

So whatever the fuck that was.

 

That’s when he said Dave was going too… but I gotta tell ya, I have a weird feeling that Dave didn’t go. I’m being paranoid and I shouldn’t suspect that from Paco but I just do.

There’s no way to know, unless I ask Dave about it later… like "so how was dinner with National Geographic?"

 

So here’s what happened….

 

I already said that they went out for drinks after dinner, but Paco had told me earlier that he would come over straight after dinner and be at my place around 9:30…

So at 9:30 I texted and said, "You said you’d be here at 9:30 but it seems you haven’t left yet…" (He had to drop Dave off at home too, which adds another half hour-45 mins to the equation)

He texted at 10pm and said they were leaving soon… I asked him to call me as soon as he dropped Dave off.

He called me at 10:30pm, and I told him not to come over. It was late, I was tired, he was late, he’s ALWAYS LATE and didn’t even think to text me to tell me until I called him out on it…

 

We fought on the phone, it was obviously miscommunication on his part because he SWEARS he didn’t tell me things that he did, and he SWEARS he told me things that he didn’t. It’s fucking ridiculous. Regarding this particular situation, I remember everything he says. This shit means something to me. I am incredibly perceptive and observant and I listen.

 

This is all the day after we had a solo night… so now it’s 2 solo nights in a row.

I know I had the option to go. But I said before that I didn’t feel comfortable. I’m glad Dave went. But I’m not glad that Paco sprung this on me 2 hours before it was supposed to happen, and I’m really frustrated that he was so late and disregarded his time plan.

I sound really uptight.

I feel uptight about this.

I just have a really nagging feeling about this chick.

I think it’s because I know WAY TOO MUCH about their sex life. It was bad. She cried. She was the last person he had sex with before me. I just know too much for me to be comfortable.

 

I don’t know. Maybe it’s all me. Maybe I’m the one in the wrong here. I could probably learn to let the leash out from time to time…

But ever since the incident where he lied to me about meeting up with that girl several months back… I dunno. I have trust issues.

I don’t know how to get over that.

Things like this just weigh SO HEAVILY on me, and I’m the only one. Paco doesn’t see what the big deal is, but I am writhing in pain, you know?

I don’t know how to get on the same page with him.

 

I will tell you what I AM going to do… I am going to step back. I need to feel like I’m special to him, instead of never doing anything but him coming over and us watching TV. How about a movie date? Going out for a drink at the new place down the street? Bringing over a board game? Or him bringing over a movie to watch? Or putting in some effort or thought into our plans? 

I just need something more.

 

I feel like I’m flailing, like my wants and wishes are too much. I’m probably setting him up to fail. My expectations are outlandish. 

Although… is it really too much to ask for for him to be on time? For him to make plans? For him to communicate clearly with me about what HIS plans are?

 

I’m becoming obsessive and maybe what I need to do is just remove myself, calm down, and gain some perspective.

Read a book or something.

Read a book about people who suffer much more than I do. That will put things into perspective.

This whole entry is annoying, even to me.