Whiner

I realized yesterday that the only thing that truly makes me happy these days is Paco.

Of course, it’s awesome that he makes me happy, but I can’t live life relying on him for the happiness.

My birthday was just so…. disappointing to me. I felt like a lot of my friends let me down, and my family. That’s what sucks about thinking that your friends and family are the shit… it really sucks when they’re not.

 

I decided today that I need to dig myself out of this rut. I am getting back on the exercise and eating well wagon, and I’m going to tighten up my life so that I feel great by myself. If I feel great by myself, anything with friends and family is just a great addition.

I am going to try.

 

I’d like to attribute this funk to PMS, and I can, for at least the last week. But the slow downhill projection from the previous few weeks is independent from PMS.

Meh.

I hate whining and I really need to stop feeling like crap.

 

I just mentioned to my sister that my mom and I went on a road trip about 3 years ago to California. She said, "We should see if we can all go on a roadtrip next year to California!" 

I. Don’t. Think so. I would rather stab my eyes with sharp pencils repeatedly.

Why my sister thought I would voluntarily do something like that is beyond me. No one would have a good time. Oh it would be terrible. The thought just makes me shudder.

 

I went with Paco to his fantasy football draft last night at my "best friend" Katie’s house. She’s just one of my very close friends, those I call my best friends. But I’m feeling some pretty big distance between her these days.

Anyway, a fantasy football draft, when you’re not actually playing, is the most boring thing ever. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

It was 10 people in a room on their laptops just watching the rounds and picks go by, crossing the picked players off their lists, some slyly typing to each other in the chat room feature on the page (they’re 3 feet away, typing shit to each other, I will never understand). For 2.5 hours. I almost died of boredom.

I thought, because it was Katie’s event, that she and I would get a chance to chat and be friends, but we didn’t.

Not because she was too busy, not because I was too busy (I was literally just sitting there), but because she was talking to everyone else in the room.

Plus, and this is when I realized that nothing but Paco makes me happy, I chose to stay next to Paco, focused on what he was doing, focused on him, than talking to anyone else.

I didn’t know anyone, but I can guarantee you that if I were single or had a little more motivation, I would’ve been more chatty with the other people.

But whatever.

I just didn’t feel like I fit in.

Wah wah.

 

I’m going to a concert tonight with Paco, Jason, and Jason’s girlfriend (who he does nothing but talk shit about. It’s really pathetic.).

I am going to try to drink very responsibly because I do NOT want to be hungover tomorrow. That sounds awful.

I love hanging out with Jason, especially in small groups. It is going to be fun.

 

Tomorrow after work is kickball (another reason I don’t want to be hungover). Exercise is good.

 

Friday night, Paco and I are going to a hip hop show at The Nectar, then on Saturday we’re going to Oak Harbor for a going-away party.

 

I feel like I’ve been nonstop busy like ALL SUMMER. I love summer, but maybe I’m just getting a little burned out? As an introvert, I do need quality alone time to recharge.

 

I started reading, for the 3rd time, The Stranger Beside Me. The story about Ted Bundy. I don’t know why I do this to myself.

So of course the other night, whilst waiting for Paco to come over late at night, I was freaking out paranoid.

Especially since a ton of those incidents and murders happened blocks away from where I live.

Jesus.

 

Anyway. I hope to be in a better mood next week. I just feel like a fucking zombie today.