The Rules

I haven’t written in awhile, yeah?

Well, my review for work sucked and they “gave” me $1 an hour raise. Which is bullshit and insulting and I have felt like a piece of shit ever since.

I’m meeting with Chris on Thursday to talk to her again. A followup, if you will. I basically wrote a couple pages about how much my work is worth to this company, which we’ll go over together. After we’re done with that, I’ll tell her I’d like a review of my salary. Because that shit is bullshit.

Speaking of money, I’ve realized that it makes me very uncomfortable when people talk about money. Around me, to me, whatever, it makes me uncomfortable. And annoyed. I’m becoming bitter.

This is one of the things that bothered me about Will… he has a lot of money and buys things, and talks about what he’s going to buy and what he’s bought. I can barely get by each month. I’m $86 negative in my account right now, which was just me living on my regular salary. At lunch, I’m depositing my 2nd job check, which will bring me out of the hole. Plus I have a $300 credit card I use for the tight times at the end of the month.

It’s just bullshit, you know? I work so hard, and have 7 years of professional experience. I shouldn’t be scraping by, working two jobs, counting my pennies. I should be able to start planning for my future financially.

Another example… my friend Emily, whose first office job was as an admin under me at the last company I worked for, is still in her same position. Still admining at the same company. She just told me that she was doing a preliminary TurboTax calculation of her tax refund, and she’s getting $1600 back.

This makes me resentful, bitter, cranky and mad.

What is the deal with this? I just noticed it happening when I started hanging out with Will again. Then with the review business and them seriously lowballing me, I just feel like a failure.

I know I need to find a new job, but why leave one shitty dead end office position to work as another? I need to figure out what I want to do, and stick with that. I am good at what I do, maybe I should keep doing this and just work for a company that will compensate me appropriately. And no more of this bullshit passive aggressiveness…. all the power plays and money flaunting is pushing me to the ground.

Switching gears……

C! We were supposed to go out Friday. That didn’t happen. We’d talked about meeting up at 7p, but I hadn’t heard from him by 6p on Friday and I just decided, fuck this noise. This is whack. I rented movies, ordered a pizza and turned off my phone. When I turned it on at 8p, I had gotten several texts from C saying that he was getting sick and wanted to just spend the night in (with me!) and watch movies and whatnot.

I said, “I didn’t hear from you so I went to yoga instead. Hope you feel better!” Muahaha. I did NOT go to yoga. I felt a little guilty writing that as I was stuffing my face with pizza. So what if I have to be in a bikini for 5 days straight soon?

He apologized and we texted for a little while. We also texted on Sunday.

I started reading “The Rules: A guide to being a total BIMBO to attract your neanderthal soul mate” – wait, that’s not how the title goes is it? Oh well, close enough – and it’s all about letting the guy chase YOU. Because that’s what they want to do, inherently. I agree with this. I have been far too quick to instigate any conversation with C and I will not do so anymore. Besides, he’s already blown it about 20 times…. there’s no reason I should continue this charade.

So, this book, is completely ridiculous. These bitches are saying that on a first date, you should be reserved and quiet, don’t be funny if he’s serious, after 15 minutes ‘get up and walk around the room’ WTF. How about they just say, “For the LOVE OF GOD, don’t be yourself! You’ll never get married!!”

I did get that one thing out of it though, about not always pursuing. I have a problem with that. I wish people came to me more than I had to go to them, because I might end up like one of their examples – Monica, who asked a guy out first and he went along with everything until one day he left because he was never in love with her. That’s me! That’s what I have to look forward to for being a go-getter.

Fucking bullshit.

I’m waiting for the highly anticipated Snowpocalypse…. we’re supposed to get like 10 inches of snow over the course of 24 hours. I’ll believe it when I see it. Overreacters!! (Except seriously, I can’t drive in the snow. My skillz are ABISMAL.)