oh, herro

It is really fucking interesting to read back exactly one year from the current date. Any time. I do it occasionally just to see how much can change in one year.

Last year I did Nojomo, so my life was chronicled in detail. Almost too much detail. I would rather write seldom than write every day. Writing constantly just means overthinking, something I think a lot of us ODers do to a fault.

So last year at this time, I was re-dating Will. And the whole time I was trying to push it, upset that he was being more casual than I wanted, but when he finally got his ass in gear, I was totally not feeling it.

Just to think about being…. like that…. with Will is really fucking weird. Because we’re like best friends. But at least we tried and there’s no mystery there anymore.

But also last year was the first encounter with Paco.

Jason and I met up with Paco and Dave at the sports bar where I now watch every Chicago Bears game with Paco. We all watched the Bears and drank too much beer. Dave and Jason let me and Paco, and we got super wasted. I lunged at him in the street, we made out, falling repeatedly. Drunken fucking messes.

I mentioned in the recap entry that if someone were video taping me and showed me later, I would’ve checked myself into rehab.

He walked me home, we spent hours making out, almost having sex. I mentioned how hot his body is and how enamored he was with me.

But after, I blew him off. I couldn’t get past his ‘high voice’ and ‘lisp’ and several noters agreed that those attributes were total turn-offs.

Cut to February, when Jason and I went over to Dave and Paco’s one night for a beer, a couple days before I went to Hawaii. Paco was so sweet, and my god was he hot. (IS hot.) But still, I was elusive and just didn’t want to encourage his crush.

Fast forward to July, when we went camping and ultimately rekindled. THANK GOD for this event, because if either of us didn’t go on that camping trip, I don’t know where the fuck I would be right now. Just going down other dead end roads with more losers, probably.

Often I think about him compared to Will. I know I shouldn’t. But Will was my first love, and Paco is my second.

It’s only been 5 months with Paco, compared to 3.5 years with Will. And I realize that when Will and I first started dating, I didn’t think he could do any wrong. But there’s something about Paco… something so special. Something long-lasting.

He’s much more conscientious… he thinks about other people. He’s polite. He is good at talking to people. He has good values and beliefs when it matters, but doesn’t push. He is passionate about writing, snowboarding, and me. He’s easy to talk to, and understanding.

The fact that it took us many many months to finally be together after the first meeting is not a mistake. I needed to be in a better place personally and professionally in order to feel like I deserved the kind of love he gives me. And he has said as well that he needed to reconfigure some aspects of his life before being in the right place to feel like he deserved me.

I know I talk about him a lot… but he is the best part of my life.

The other night, the second night in a row my sister was missing (again) (she’s in the mental hospital now), I was at Paco’s and I went into his room to talk to my mom on the phone. She was devastated, crying, it was heartbreaking. When I got off the phone with her, I broke down. Sobbing into Paco’s bedsheets. Uncontrollable. After a few minutes, Paco came into the room, sat down next to me and held me tightly while I let the tears out.

As my family life was crumbling, I couldn’t help but feel intense gratitude that I have Paco. I have this bright light in my life that can even illuminate through the pain I was experiencing. I clutched his arm and rested my head on his shoulder and breathed sighs of relief. I am so thankful.

After the crying ceased finally, we sat on his bed and I told him that he is the best part of my life. And I truly truly meant it.

 

I think about the future… I wonder when or if he would want to live with me. If he’d want to take the next steps, even though his roommate would be left solo. Or would the three of us live together? 

Obviously these things are not even close to being a reality or even something to discuss. But I do think about it.

He is such an independent spirit… needing "Paco time" nearly every day (which is fine). What if we were to live together? What would Paco time be redefined as?

 

Last night he asked me if I ever write about sex in here. I told him yes, sometimes I do… he asked if he could read something sometime. I cringe and hesitate because a) he’s lucky he even knows that I have this diary and b) I never write JUST about sex. I write about sex, and usually some neurotic bullshit (see above) that doesn’t need to be read by ANYONE in my real life. That’s why I have this diary.

 

Maybe I’ll write an entry purely for him. Satisfy his curiosity.

 

Anyway.

 

I fucked up with my BC again last month and forgot it TWO DAYS in a row. I took three on the third day when I remembered and just continued on with my unprotected twice-a-day sex. Understandably, I am worried.

I stop taking my pill pack on Monday, so if I don’t see my period by Friday, I will be freaking the fuck out.

I’ve considered my options for if I am pregnant, as bleak as a thought that might be.

I’ve had an abortion before. When I was 21. With Will. I chose the medical method, where you take a couple pills and your body expels the fetus and nearly everything else in your body (seriously, I was on the toilet gushing blood, shitting, and puking in a garbage can, for at least an hour straight). It was the worst experience of my life. And I’ve had a lot of experiences.

If, god forbid, I am pregnant, I will probably have another abortion. But this time I’d do it the …. surgical? way. Because let someone else suck out everything in my uterus. 

This time isn’t as clear-cut as the previous time. One, I’m getting older. I’m 28 fucking years old. I do want a baby at some point in my life… not now. I can barely afford my own life. My relationship with Paco is still super green and at this point, he definitely doesn’t want kids. I value my freedom. Etc etc.

Honestly, I’m afraid having a baby right now would ruin my life. And I’ve been so happy. I know it’s horrible, because so many people in the world can’t have babies. But it’s my personal choice.

I don’t consider it ‘ending’ a life. I still wonder what my life would’ve been like if I’d decided to keep the first baby… and while there’s no way to know for sure, I prefer my life the way it is now.

And if Paco and I do finally have a life together and do have kids one day, I might wonder what the other child would’ve been like.

But at least at that point, I’d be ready to have kids. (god I&

nbsp;sound like such a cliche.)

Regardless, my boobs hurt and I have weird pains in my sides (ovaries?!).

 

I’ve read a lot recently about Coconut Oil and all the health benefits associated with it. You can use it as a face wash, even for acne prone skin (ding ding ding, right here). You can use it as a shave cream as well, and as a pre-wash (or conditioning) treatment for your hair. In addition, you can eat it for further omega benefits!

So I bought some, at $5 a jar, and ohhhh my god. I have washed my face with it several times and I’ve never had smoother skin. I know it’s weird, washing your face with oil, I mean that sounds counterproductive, but it is AMAZING. And as a moisturizer in the shower? Nothing better.

However, I’ve decided as a hair treatment, it is no bueno for my hair. My hair is extremely fine and prone to being oily. It’s pin straight and completely natural. I did the pre-wash treatment last night (basically just coating your hair in the oil and leaving it for 30 mins, then wash and condition as per usual) and my hair looked WET the rest of the night. But it was just oily. And you know how oil repels water? Well even after I washed it again this morning, right after the shower I could see the droplets of water on my hair but not penetrating my hair. So the oil is still clinging to my strands and will probably be there for awhile.

But for people with frizzy or dry hair? Would be perfect.

Anyway. New beauty secret. I LOVE IT.

 

I have gained 7 pounds in the last week. I attribute it to bread. And at the end of the month, I’m going to a cabin with a bunch of friends, and at said cabin there will be a hot tub. So those 7 pounds plus about 5 of his friends need to get the fuck off my body before I put on a god damn bikini in front of a bunch of people in the dead of winter.

In order to achieve this loss (or gain? depending on how you look at it), I am adding ‘gluten free’ to my list of dietary restrictions. In addition to my pescatarian diet, I will no longer be ingesting gluten. You know what? I like fish, vegetables, and rice. So I guess that’s what I’ll be eating for the month of December (and perhaps beyond).

And yoga. Yoga needs to happen. With the sun going down at 4 fucking o’clock these days, going for long walks is no longer safe. So yoga it is.

 

You know I hate to talk about work so I won’t.

 

You know I hate to talk about my sister, so I won’t.

 

I love Christmas!