Nightmare on Latona street

I know I said I was taking a break but sometimes things happen that you need to write about.

Last night I had the worst nightmare of my adult life. It started at work, in the dream; my coworker was investigating a murder. Two women were cut up nearly beyond recognition, tied up in white sheets, then dangled down wires above the city, hanging there like wrapped up mummies dripping with blood.

While coworker was looking at pictures, I caught a couple glimpses and quickly turned away. Then, somehow I was a part of the murder.

The woman (yes, woman) who committed the murders was completed unaffected by the meaning of her actions. Ending life, so gruesome and cruel, she didn’t care at all. She said, “If I’m going to have the capability to do something like this, it’s better to do it than to waste the ability” ….

It’s a bit blurry, the dream, but it involved a car ride with the dead bodies in the back, blood spilling everywhere. When we arrived at the destination where she was going to hang the bodies, I became absolutely terrified that she was going to kill me. If she could kill these other two young women (early 20’s) then she could kill me.

I can’t get the image of these white-wrapped bodies, blood seeping through the bandages, heads nearly severed, hanging from wires 20 feet in the air.

I awoke right before the hanging and was absolutely terrified. I hate that sometimes dreams evoke emotions that don’t go away, they stick with you as if they were caused by real terror. I couldn’t get the images out of my head, couldn’t think of anything else, couldn’t close my eyes.

It was only 1am, so I read some of my Shape magazine, tried to replace the dream with thoughts of exercise and healthy foods.

Finally I went back to sleep and had dreams which still couldn’t replace the images in my head because they’re still there. Maybe I should look up the meanings, just to see if they make sense to me?

In other news, I’m still absolutely heartbroken over the OD friendship break. I think about it and I feel a sense of dread, of loss. It doesn’t seem healthy.

The worst part (and I don’t really feel bad repeating this now, because I’m pretty sure she’s never going to read me again) is that she said, “I wouldn’t take relationship advice from you, of all people.” It really hurt. I know I haven’t had the world’s best track record but it’s not bad, either. In relationships I am caring, loving, generous, respectful, funny. Of course I’ve been in situations where things were not peachy keen, but isn’t that a part of life?

I am attempting to not overreact to this, but it does make me want to just shut my mouth when it comes to relationship advice (or not?? I don’t even consider my notes advice, I’m just being a friend… ?) and there’s still that underlying aspect of being narrow-minded, writing all about me and my thoughts, as if they matter. I know they do, but not nearly as much as I think they do when I write.

It seems like in the real world, we’re constantly living for other people, setting aside our own thoughts and feelings because it’s complicated, a lot of people to think about, and writing isolates the individual so they can sort it all out on their own. Without influence of the normal influences. Which I think is good. But it’s also….. just a sliver of what the big picture actually is.

I felt like hell yesterday and I ate sourdough bread and cheese nonstop when I got home from work, and felt even worse. I can’t remember the last time I had white bread and/or cheese. I’m not eating that again for a long time. My chest hurt, like the bread wouldn’t go down. Butter was also involved. Vomit. It just sounded so good at the time.

I feel better today and have already been rocking and rolling at work, which was necessary because I nearly did NOTHING yesterday related to my job and that’s not a good feeling. Took care of all that today.

Picking up more weed after work and giving Will his half. Then I hope to go to yoga but I can’t promise myself anything. I may want to just stay in his company. After our talk that didn’t end well and he left, we chatted on gchat and he apologized and we both are still on track with whatever is happening. It is way too soon to be making any decisions and the bottom line is I do like being with him but my head is somewhere else and DUH, that’s what happens when you start to date someone. You don’t know what’s up and what’s down. It’s all a complicated mess and I don’t even want to write about it anymore because a) apparently I have no sense of what relationships are (according to some) and b) if just makes everything a bigger deal.

I do very much appreciate the support of all of you, and it made it nearly all better reading your notes of kindness. Sometimes it’s just so easy to let the negative opinion of one person overshadow the positive opinions of so many others. I don’t know if I can take a break from OD. I’ve been writing in here since the year 2001, which means I’ve been writing for almost 11 years. There are so many good things about writing and getting feedback and making connections with people across the universe only based on thoughts and writing style and the nitty gritty. Also, I’m addicted. I go through my day and itch to write. I write in the morning and I want to write again in the evening. Writewritewrite.

Reading is my favorite, however. Because I love you guys. And I CARE.