Miss Independent

Happy Tuesday disguised as Monday! 

 

First, I want to thank all of you guys for noting on my last entry… there was a lot of eye-opening advice and insight. When I get responses like that, when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable and confused, it reminds me of why I write in here. Or at least one of the biggest reasons I write in here. You guys HELP ME figure out my own life. I don’t have best friends like this in my ‘real life’ – which is what makes this so special.

Honesty and support, that’s what friendship is.

 

Anyway.

 

I can’t hide shit from Paco so after several vodkas before the plane right and on the plane ride, as we were making out descent into Chicago, I unloaded my feelings. 

I cried a little and basically told him that I feel like I’m not a happy person, to him. Around him. 

I gave him examples like I get moody when he’s stoked about kickball. I am excited to be going to Chicago but I mute it because he’s so stoked and I balance us out.

My outward moods don’t match my inward moods and it’s mostly because of the effect I want to have on him.

It’s totally shitty.

I told him that I don’t feel like the person he fell in love with. I want to be happy. I don’t want my emotions to be directly correlated to his, especially in a negative way.

 

He was absolutely distraught.

Poor guy. I completely unleashed all of these pent up emotions on him as we were landing in his hometown.

It had to be said though.

Things were pretty stressful for awhile, until we got to the hotel and checked in. We sat on the bed and talked a little more, me basically trying to smooth things over because his friends were coming over and I didn’t want things to be awkward.

 

I don’t really know how to transition into saying that we ended up having a great weekend, mostly because of each other.

I realize, based on my own observations being reinforced by one of the noters that: One of the things I love most about Paco is that he is either 150% into things, or not at all. I need someone who is 150% into me. It quells my need for attention and calms my insecurities, both character flaws that I’ve recognized in myself for many years.

However, when he is 150% about something that doesn’t directly include me, or is not caused by me, I get jealous. I don’t like his enthusiasm being focused on something else that isn’t all about me.

Most of the time, when we’re watching football or something else that he’s 150% about, we’re both still very much in tune with each other and touching or giving attention in some way. That helps. But when that’s not possible… or he’s distracted… then I get all pouty.

It sucks, right?

I need to work on that.

 

So we had our great weekend with awesome sex and he was so proud to introduce me to the people he grew up with at the wedding and I shined to the point that my mom would be proud.

 

Last night, while laying in my bed, I told him that I felt better but I knew I needed to work on some things.

Then I told him all that stuff about attention and me being jealous.

The thing is, he knows me. He knows that this is the issue. He accepts me and just wants me to be happy.

So still, I will work on my independence and being okay when he’s 150% about something that doesn’t have to do with me.

 

Boss is coming in now, after a week away.

 

Ciao!