independence

I so want to brag to my FB friends that I’m going to Chicago for the weekend, but I’ve been warned and I’ve seen the dangers of doing so… it basically tells anyone, "Break into my apartment! I won’t even be there!"

Not that I have any friends on FB that would… but I mean…. who knows.

So I will brag to you guys. I’m going to Chicago today! Wooooooo

 

Unfortunately, my excitement is shadowed by this strange conflict I have going on within me right now.

For some reason, I’m just not happy…. with Paco. He’s such a great guy and you all know how absolutely in love I am with him… but lately, things have taken a strange turn.

I feel like I can’t be happy for him when he’s happy, I feel like I subconsciously balance him out by being in ‘a mood’ if he’s super stoked.

Like during kickball, he can be so excited and into things, and I for some reason become a little pouty.

I hate it.

I have recognized that I think I need to establish an independence within my relationship. His moods shouldn’t influence mine, especially not in a negative way.

I’m still trying to figure out how I can do that.

He’s super stoked about this trip to Chicago… and I am too, but for some reason I just dim my excitement. I hate it.

I’m not sure if I feel like I’m not getting enough from him…

The dynamics of our relationship have definitely changed over the last few months. We’ve always been 150% into each other and in love and everything has been new and exciting and we never took each other for granted.

It’s a normal progression to transform into more of a calm normal, without that manic feeling.

I think I might be addicted to the beginning.

This is the first relationship I’ve been in this long since Will. I am definitely seeing a pattern within myself… I become someone I don’t like.

I need to establish and regain my independence. I need to be able to shine and be happy instead of being the grumpy nagging girlfriend.

I seriously hate myself sometimes when we’re together.

The other night, I left my house to pick him up to go shopping. I was only SLIGHTLY bummed that he forgot his promise to ‘get me back’ for dinner that night… 

But when he got in my car, my mood changed like I had no control over it. All of a sudden, I was actually VERY bummed that he didn’t remember his promise.

My mood was shitty for a long time, like all through the shopping trip.

He was upbeat as usual, and I was just blah.

 

I HATE IT.

 

I am a fun person, I miss who I was pre-relationship.

I watched a movie yesterday called Save The Date. I recommend it.

The protagonist was a chick (played by Lizzie Caplan who I LOVE) who was fiercely independent and made decisions based on her true feelings instead of going along with something because it’s easier to do it that way.

When the movie was over, I started contemplating my own feelings.

If I could, without any backlash, ask Paco for some time apart, so that I could regain my sense of self… I would.

Of course, the world doesn’t work that way.

He would be worried, I would probably be worried as well, and it would become a problem.

Instead, I will work on my independence on my own.

The internet, in case you were wondering, does not have a lot of blogs or advice on how to regain independence in a relationship this new.

I did read one article that spoke to me, described what I was feeling, but offered no helpful solutions.

I think maybe I should take a weekend trip by myself somewhere. Maybe that would help. A self-discovery of sorts.

I could maybe rent a little room or cheap cabin out on the coast for the weekend… do some self-discovery…

I almost want to shock Paco by telling him that I’m going to do that. But how wrong is it that I want to put a shock in our relationship?

Maybe I’m feeling like he takes me for granted.

I don’t know.

I know he loves me and appreciates me and he does wonderful things for me.

Maybe I’m bored.

I don’t even want to have sex most of the time.

 

I feel like I’m failing as a girlfriend.

 

Maybe this trip will be good for us? Maybe it won’t. I won’t have expectations.

I shouldn’t have expectations of him, either. In any way. But I get upset when he doesn’t remember to take me to dinner to repay me for making him dinner.

What is wrong with me?

 

Let’s hope I get out of this funk.

I’ve been in a lot of ‘funks’ lately, eh?

I’m not even PMSing.

Fuck.