Cracks begin to show

Destiny ran away last night. She is such a shit.

She has so much shit fundamentally wrong with her. In case you were still wondering, Nature wins the fight against Nurture.

I can hardly even talk about it because it’s so in depth and convoluted and fucking crazy that putting it into words doesn’t do it justice.

She told my mom she’d be back before Friday. I don’t know what she thought was going to happen, but she’s being sent away to a school for troubled teens and will be there until she turns 18 next December. Fuck that little bitch.

I always knew there was something about her that wasn’t right. I never felt like I knew her. I tried and tried, even called her my sister. But she was so…. deceptive and unattached. Now I know why… she wasn’t honest about herself to us or anyone else.

Yuck.

The bottom of my foot itches.

Wasn’t able to go to the football game tomorrow and had been planning on just staying in bed all day, but Will accepted my offer to meet up somewhere and watch the game, so against my better judgement, I went.

It got off to a really bad start and we were both hitting attitudes at each other and there was more than one time that I just shut up and decided that I didn’t like him. It wasn’t happening. There is too much baggage and I don’t have the feeling I need to have in order to take things to the next level or even continue seeing him.

As time went on and I drank more and ate food, I warmed up a little bit, but I am realizing that the only reason I keep doing this is because I don’t want to end it again.

I mean, haven’t I done enough already? I broke up with him, 6 months later we got together and I was so drunk that I slept with him and told him I loved him and did not remember ANY of it, and now…. we start to date, even sleep together, and I tell him I’m STILL not feeling it? That sounds awful.

It’s just that so many things that used to bother me about him STILL bother me about him and I think it’s even worse now. He talks only about himself and is so sure about everything and cocky and arrogant and doesn’t seem genuinely interested in the little things in my life. It all comes back to him. Which is so opposite of what you’d expect from him, because he’s so nice and humble-seeming…

I don’t think I can get over it.

So wtf do I do now??

Things got a little better towards the end of the night and I was able to put on a happy face, but I am not attracted to the guy. I had waited for this to happen so that I could rule it out or move forward. Well, I think I’m ruling it out.

It’s better to end it before it gets too deep, even though it kind of already has, considering our past…. 🙁 I will also have to resign myself to the fact that I may be alone forever. Again. I thought I’d come to terms with that before entertaining the reconciliation, but now I’m back to square one. Actually, I had to end this before it gets to square one.

The thought of telling him, “It’s not working” or something along those lines is terrifying.

But what else can be done? I sort of wonder if I should give it ONE more date…. which I will not initiate or make any effort towards planning, and then see how that goes. It is a rare possibility that he just never plans another date. In that case, well, he’s a dick and I sort of win, in a roundabout way.

Good things… I feel fantastic and I am so content in my life. Which could also be a reason I’m not clammoring to get him into my life. In fact, adding another person to my relatively perfect mix makes me feel slightly frazzled and stressed and stretched too thin. Maybe I can use that as an excuse……. oh bother.

That’s all for now.