Birthday Down

You know what’s really boring?

Reconciling bank accounts.

I should be happy that the company that I reconcile accounts for is so kick ass… I should really try to think more positively on a daily basis.

 

I’m going to get the negative out of the way first in this entry. I just don’t want to end on a bad note.

So my birthday celebration on Saturday yielded a total of 4 guests, including Paco.

Will, Chad and Courtney.

My ‘best friend’ Jason texted me 2 hours before we were supposed to meet up and said he couldn’t make it because he was in a bad mood.

I was immediately extremely upset.

Had I not just gone camping to celebrate his birthday the weekend before, I do’nt know if I would be as upset as I was… but it really highlighted the whole one-sided friendship thing.

Since when do you not go to a friend’s birthday because you’re in a bad mood?

On the way to the beach, I texted Katie and told her we were running late. She called immediately.

"I thought you canceled your party! The facebook invite said you canceled! I made other plans… I’m sorry I can’t make it…"

Feeling like a failure and a loser, I got really quiet and Paco could sense my frustration. He started to act sort of… scared of me. Like almost defensive or something… but mostly scared of me. I was just hurting.

As we got closer to the beach, I just started crying. I told him that I felt like he was scared of me, and he said he just didn’t want to make me any more upset by saying the wrong thing.

I said I felt like a loser. There are some people who people would drop anything to be around… like Jason for example. He had like 12 people who went camping for an entire weekend… and I can’t even get my friends to come to a beach in the city they live in for an hour.

It was the epitome of "It’s my party, I can cry if I want to."

Paco tried to make me understand… it’s summe,r people are busy, I’m sure everyone wants to come but they either had plans or got confused because I canceled the facebook event (since when is an event ONLY legit if it’s on facebook??).

I know he was trying to help… but instead of making excuses for everyone, I wish he’d join in on my frustration.

HE is one of those people where people would drop anything to celebrate his birthday. I want to be like that.

So, my attitude was not the best going into it.

 

 

Okay so rewind. The rest of the weekend was actually really freaking awesome and I feel bad for being such a baby for that hour or so.

On Friday, the first thing my boss said in the morning was, "If you want to leave at 1pm or so, that’s totally fine with me."

YES.

I took a nap, went shopping at H&M, spent a lot of money. ‘Twas glorious.

Met up with Paco, and we walked to the lake by his house and met up with Jason, Tanya, Nick, Jared and Will.

We all played in the lake until it was too cold, and then Paco and I watched Hustle and Flow at his place and ate Thai food.

Super awesome.

 

The whole weekend, Paco was telling me "Happy Birthday!" and paying for EVERYTHING. He said I couldn’t spend any money until the day after my birthday.

 

He is so awesome.

 

Saturday, we went to lunch at Agua Verde and I had the BEST catfish tacos I’ve ever eaten in my life. So good.

Then we rented a kayak, and explored Lake Washington. It was my first time on a kayak. There were a few spots where I was a little freaked out… mostly in the narrow spot where all the big boats go and the water is super choppy. But I did great, and I really enjoyed it!

 

Afterwards, we went back to my house. Paco took a nap, I put away my laundry and got ready for my ‘party.’

Pity party drama ensued, and then finally we were on the beach and Will joined us, then Chad and Courtney. We all drank and hung out, then played catch with the football, then frisbee.

We went to dinner at a pizza place called Razzi’s in Greenwood…. SO GOOD. We had like 3 or 4 pitchers while we were there… getting a little drunky town.

Good times.

Moved on to karaoke at the Baranof, which is a super shitty dive bar that I’d never heard of… but it was good times. We had shots and I think I had one vodka soda the whole time we were there.

I sang My Humps by the black eyed peas… Paco has told me that he thinks it’s the cutest thing ever when I sing it. I know it by heart.

I usually sing it with my sister though… she does the boy part. Doing it by yourself is pretty tough, just FYI.

So that was the end of that!

 

I am trying not to feel shitty that there weren’t more people… but I did have fun with the people that were there.

 

Sunday I woke up feeling a little bit rough, as to be expected after champagne, beer, shots, and a vodka soda.

My soon-to-be-ex stepmom met me at 1pm, and we walked the lake.

It was an ambitious endeavor considering my hungover/hungry/dehydrated state.

Plus, I felt like I didn’t have anything to talk to her about.

It was just a little awkward.

 

I took Paco out to dinner last night to thank him for everything he did for me over the weekend.

I fully intended to have sex with him after, but I was SO exhausted that I just couldn’t.

Ugh. I hate that. I hate that I don’t have the drive to have sex anyway.

 

Our first kickball game of the fall season starts tonight. I hope our team is good… we teamed up with SPD (the really good team that we’re friends with) and made a joint team… so hopefully we actually win some fucking games this season.

 

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I don’t really think I’m excited for it. I’m not sure why.

Paco is trying everything in his power to make me feel special. It works, definitely, when it comes to him. I always feel special to him.

But I feel like I’m just not that special to anyone else.

It sucks.

I don’t know how to adjust my attitude. I just don’t have any expectations anymore… I’m not counting on naything.

 

Jason is taking me out to lunch tomorrow to try to make up missing my party. I will let him.

Then tomorrow evening I’m going to dinner with my parents and my (ugh) sister who wasn’t even invited.

Wednesday Paco and I are golfing with my dad. Looking forward to that.

 

My mom laid a total guilt trip on me over the weekend because my uncle was in town and I couldn’t come out to see them. It was my birthday weekend, and I had a lot of plans, and yet she was like, "They never come out here.. you should really make some time for them…" The one time I could, Sunday night, they’d already be gone.

I haven’t talked to her since and I am pissed that she

tried to make me feel guilty for not seeing my uncle. As if they would REALLY give a shit if I made the effort to go out there and see them.

Besides, I was having a party, they could’ve come to that… but my mom never comes into Seattle ever unless she’s taking me out to dinner on my birthday.

I have always held resentment for the fact that she used to come into Seattle all the time to see my sister, but she never did for me.

I think once my birthday is over, I’m going to ask for some reciprocation on that front.

 

 

Wow. This definitely turned negative…

I just feel kind of down.