1st base, 2nd base, sex, 3rd base

WOW busy day at the office. You know, as much as I think work sucks a big fat one, I do love the satisfaction of having an extremely cluttered desk be organized and neat at the end of the day. I am proud of my work. At least I have that going for me.

I did NOT yoga yesterday…. I thought to myself, I’ve exercised many many days in a row and I will be exercising many many days in a row after today, so I should probably take today to be lazy and do nothing. So I did. I made roasted veggies and potatoes, watched TV (Glee and New Girl – OMG I LOVE NEW GIRL) and drank mass amounts of tea.

Am feeling cast aside again by my family. This seems to happen every time there’s a crisis with one of the siblings. I believe I was meant to be an only child.

When I was at my mom’s on Sunday, she was talking to her step-sister on the phone about the Destiny debacle, then segued into talking about Mandy, and never once was I mentioned. Because I have NOTHING dramatic happening in my life. I know it’s a good thing and lord knows I am proud of myself for being stable mentally, financially and emotionally, but fuck, at least recognize me for that?! A simple “thanks for not making my life harder” would be nice.

Which brings me to an interesting topic. I am a part of the Y Generation. I read an article years ago in college that described my generation as always needing reassurance and recognition. I know I fall under this stereotype and am basically it personified. I look for approval everywhere. Even during my aerials class, I did a difficult trick without any assistance and was the first to do it, and I immediately looked around for the instructor to see if she saw me. She was showing someone else a trick on some other apparatus, and I literally was like, “LOOK! LOOK AT ME!” I’m such a dumb bunny.

Then, during yoga, the instructor came up to me during Warrior I pose and gently squared my hips, and said, “Very beautiful” and I was like, “YES suck it bitches” …. this isn’t normal yoga behavior.

At work, I have resigned to the fact that my bosses are not geared towards recognition. In fact, it’s the opposite. They expect ME to feel lucky to work for THEM. It’s taken some getting used to, but it could be part of the reason I crave approval in other forms of my life.

I was a gymnast from 3 years old to 15 years old, and was on the precipice of making Elite. Then I broke my ankle and that was the end of that dream. I then took up softball and played that for most of the year on select teams for 3 years. In my family, I was always recognized for my athletics. Especially in gymnastics. That seems to answer a lot of the mystery of why I crave attention for my achievements.

But now? I am mostly living for myself, working, hanging out with friends, exercising, focusing on diet habits, keeping my finances in order, wondering what the future holds for me. I don’t wake up wanting attention or recognition, but dammit if I don’t feel a void when my family is so focused on the troubled members and I am left taking care of my own business.

They say my generation is a product of the “Everyone gets a trophy” era. Even if you lost the tournament, you still got a plastic trophy. Everyone gets some sort of recognition. There are no losers.

In real life, there is very much a place for losers.

In other news, I am beyond confused about my feelings for Will and I need to just hang out with him on Friday to make the final decision. Because in chatting with him on Gchat, I have managed to rekindle some of that flame. I hope the innernet is lying to me and I can see him Friday and be like, “Yep, still not feeling it, time to end this” …. because life is easier without the complications of dating. Especially the complications of dating an ex. But I REALLY WANT to make out with someone and just feel that lust and want and excitement. I know I can get that with other people (or can I?!) but the possibility is already there, wrapped up in a package waiting for me to open it…. except it’s not what I want. It’s not right. I don’t think. Results pending.

Seattle is notorious for being a difficult dating city. I’m not sure why. People say it’s the Seattle Freeze. Whatever. I think we can be friendly but even I walk with blinders on… don’t talk to me and I won’t talk to you. Maybe if I just smiled more and made eye contact, more things would happen for me. But DAMN is that a lot of work and a lot of getting out of the comfort zone. That’s just the tip of the iceberg as far as getting out of the comfort zone…. then comes getting to know someone, the first kiss, 2nd base, sex, 3rd base (because you KNOW it goes in that order now), getting serious, meeting the parents, engagement and marriage. Holy uncomfortableness. Hopefully there’s some fun stuffed in there somewhere.

Fun stuffed in there. Heh.

Ohhh ladies and gents, I get to vacuum apartments today with my sore arms and then I get to bask in the glory of a 90 minute massage. I hope I don’t have to pee during those 90 minutes. That is a legitimate concern.