you are the antidote that gets me by

last night I had a dream that my dad found out i was cutting.

and later on in the day, he really did find out.

im still in shock about it. i still cant believe after a whole year of no one noticing, my secret finally came out. He saw all the slices in my arm and asked where they from. At first i mumled "oh its just paint" but  it obviously wasnt paint, so then i  told him the dog did it. and then he gave me a REALLY evil look and started yelling at me about it and looked at my other arm. i was just like "wtf it was the dog" and he said if he sees any more cuts on me he’s taking me to a shrink. and im all like "omg i cant believe youd really think id do that" and i was trying to play innocent…but im not sure it worked.

all i know is i AM NOT going to a shrink. theres no fucking way in hell im going.

frank wants me to go. he wants me to tell my dad to take me to one. but i wont. i wont do it. im not going to let him take it away. ill just have to start cutting somewhere else besides my arms and legs, thats all.

and about it frank…as soon as that happened i went to him. it makes me happy, knowing that he’s there for me. he was already freaked about the way i was acting yesterday…i dont blame him. he was trying to ask me what was wrong, but i wouldnt, couldnt, tell him. he said he was scared because i wouldnt tell him anything and he didnt know what i would do or what was going on in my head.. and then today he forced me to call him (i hate phones…) to explain to him why i didnt want to go to a shrink. by then he had already calmed me down.

he says theres no harm in going . he said only good can come out of it and he believes i really need it, and it would help me alot.

i believe differently. i believe theyre just going to make things worse.

one thing im incredibly confused about is if frank really cares about me. whenever somethings wrong he practically FORCES me to tell him about it, and i do, and he helps me deal with it. but then an hour later he complains about always having to listen to me cry about everything.

I know everytime something bad happens i run to him for comfort. i rely on him to help me get through things. i guess thats too much to ask from someone…

but if he really doesnt care, then he should stop pretending.

this is the song he says i need to dedicate to him. the fact that he’s the one who wants it dedicated to him is what makes me think he doesnt care.

but even i have to admit… it describes me and him so perfectly its almost scary. normally when i post song lyrics i bold the words that really relate to me…(notice this whole dam song is bolded…)

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I’m always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

I’m sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold