Why hello there

This thing used to be so important to me. I still think of it on occasion when I remember my past. I’m not sure if I want to go back and read it all. Not right now anyway. I know what I find will terrify me, make me laugh, and make me cringe. It’s too late for that, I want to go to bed soon with my mind at peace.

This theme I’ve got going on is god awful. Haha. But if I recall, I did always come here to express the darkest depths of my brain, so I might as well leave it. I like it, in a sentimental sort of way.

Well well well….I am here, logged in and typing, so I might as well provide my future self with an update. Today is 10/15, obviously. Frank went to sleep 30 minutes ago. He just got a new job and has to wake up at 5am. Did I ever write about him? We have a house. 4 pets. A gorgeous Evelyn. She’ll be a year old soon. I have a wonderful job. Doesn’t pay much, but it pays enough, and I honestly love it. Very close to what I decided to do when I was 13.

I have almost everything I’ve ever wanted out of life. The last thing on my bucket list is to go Harry Potter World. Silly, but it’s the truth. Once that happens, I can die happy. Sure, there are other things I would like to do, but eh. My big things have been crossed off. I really do love my life. What a 180 from the me who created this diary in the beginning.

I’m still a pretty fucked up person, I think. But at least by now I know how to control myself. I also think i’m doing an alright job with Evelyn. The world would be outraged if it knew how much I lack feelings for her. I know I love her. I once dive bombed across concrete to save her from a fall. I know my instincts are there. My feelings are not. It’s like I have a broken wire in my brain. Sometimes the frayed ends touch and I get to feel, momentarily, what normal people feel towards the ones they love. I would be worried if it was just her, but it’s not. I feel the same towards everyone I know. it’s very odd. Thankfully I have Frank, who understands.

Anyway,  I vowed long ago to make sure when I had kids, I raised them so they didn’t end up like me, or my mom. Providing the cycle is environmental and not caused by mental illness, i’m going to break it. It felt strange to get into the habit of showing affection to my daughter, but I do it, every single day. I hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her. I try to be as cheery as possible around her even when I don’t feel cheery. I greet her every single morning and every single evening with a huge smile and ecstatic enthusiasm. I went the whole breastfeeding/babywearing/cosleeping route. We do not yell and scream at all, arguments are quiet and civil. In the end, i’ll know I did everything I could to make sure she turns out to be a normal, emotionally functional human being.

Well, I think I went off on a tangent. But, maybe that paragraph will provide some insight for me in a few years when I once again remember this diary exists.