Still alive

God, I almost forgot about this thing.

Okay…not really. I actually have been meaning to get on, write something maybe, check up on people, but I guess I never got around to it. I guess I didn’t really want to get around to it. Perhaps it’s because I’m trying to get away from my past right now. I’m trying to start over. I’m trying to forget everything that’s happened.But hard as I try, I can’t run from it. I see my scars and realize that. 

Anyway, now that summer is about to start and I’m not babysitting I should have more time to write in here. Not that there’ll be alot to write about. Or maybe there will. I don’t know.

I broke up with Pat about a month ago. I’m not sure when. I told him that I knew I wasn’t a good girlfriend, and that he deserves a much better one than me.  I said something like that. I was hoping after I left him, he would stop following me every where, but he didn’t. And he still comes and sits by me in the morning. Everything about him annoys me now. I can’t stand even looking at him anymore.  And I don’t know why.

I don’t understand it. Why can’t I love people? How come when I start getting even a little bit close to someone, they suddenly start to sicken me. Their simple presence starts to piss me off.

Normal people ask themselves "Why doesn’t anyone love me?", and I’m asking just the opposite. Even on here, over the years I would make a friend and we would start talking more and more. After all, this is a diary site thing, so we would know everything about each other almost. But then, when It started getting to the point where we talked too much, I would begin to avoid them. I would stop answering their notes, stop leaving them. There have been numerous people on here i’ve simply lost contact with because of it. There’s very few people on here that amazingly haven’t had that effect on me. Surprisingly there are still people on here I care about.

Scott asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him this weekend. And I’m not trying to sound full of myself, I’m sorry if I do, but it was the way he said it that makes me think something is going on. Especially because he’s been hanging around me and daniel and jesse more and more, and because he’s never asked me to do anything with him — it was a really out of the blue and unexpected question.

Of course, I said yes. But, I’m hoping that’s as far as it goes. Scott’s a great guy, and we have alot in common, but it would never work. I know I’ll let him down and I can’t bear to do that to him. Besides, I don’t live a street away from him anymore. In a few weeks, I’ll probably never see him again because I’m going to the new high school.

Ugh…the few times Ive typed on here, this crap is all I’ve written about. Oh well.

I need to get a job.