Someone take these dreams away

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I’ll be right beside you dear…

I decided to stay home today, because my arms and hands are dieing from using those crutches all day yesterday, and the left side of my foot is still swollen, so I cant wear shoes and walk.  My dad told me though the only way I could stay home is if I go to Z’s funeral…

I hate funerals…I really don’t want to go…and if I do, I’ll only go if Kirsten or Anna is there with me. My dad says if I can’t get ahold of Kirsten, my mom will take me, and if I don’t go, I’m going to be grounded.

GROUNDED, because I won’t go to my friend’s funeral!
You cant FORCE someone to go to a funeral! I hate seeing people cry. Especially people that I know. And I do not want my parents there. NO NO NO NO NO.

I don’t think my dad will ground me though…because right before we were about to leave, I started crying. I’ve been able to suck it up these last few days, be strong for kirsten and for every one else, but I couldn’t this morning. my dad thought i was crying because of my foot, and then realized it was something else entirly. That’s when he told me I had to go though…and my mom was all screaming at me for the rest of the morning because she doesnt want to miss work today to take me. But it dont matter. I’m not going if Kirstens not going.

its so sad though….yet this is nothing like how it was with stephen and johnny. they didn’t go to our school, no one knew them. I didn’t let people know what was wrong, I didn’t tell anyone. I went to johnny’s funeral without my parents even knowing.
but everyone knows Z. If you see someone crying, Z is the reason why — you dont even have to ask.
Kirsten started crying yesterday at lunch. I’ve seen her in near tears from frusterastion and stress before, but nothing like this.
I told her to go to the bathroom, and then after me and anna decided it would be okay to follow her in there, we started being stupid so she would laugh and feel better. I didn’t know what else to do. I told her to just stop thinking about it, and in a few days, everything will be better. But are you supposed to ignore things like that?

It’s not good from what I’ve heard, but thats how I’ve coped with things my entire life. I just try to ingore them, pretend nothing is wrong. I distract myself to keep me from thinking about it.

I don’t know how to comfort other people, because ive never been comforted myself. I’m used to dealing with things by myself.

Even Mr. Duez started crying in class yesterday…not bawling, but he was all teary-eyed. It made me cry. Everyone has been crying, even people who didn’t know him.

Theyre naming the football field at the new high school after him…its the least they can do I suppose. I feel so sorry for his parents though…he was their only child and theyre not all that young, so I dont think they can have another.